My Own Wizard Of Oz Adventure
by Alyss Mainwaring
Summary: Being able to recite Skulduggery Pleasant quotes in front of the actual characters is a talent in my opinion. But being able to scream bananas randomly to shock people and get a reaction is also a talent. Sometimes you have to wonder...
1. Basics

**Don't bash too hard as this is my first SP story.**

**I feel really awkward saying... writing all this but I feel like it needs to be done.**

**Pleased to meet all of you. This isn't my first story as you can see but I am finally stepping out of the categories that I haunt regularly to write this.**

**And those people in them are probably glad as well :)**

**This idea is not original. I haven't seen it here yet, but I haven't gone through all the Fanfics in this section yet. There are so many OC's here though! I have never seen this many!**

**But I guess that is where all characters in books start off as.**

**My idea is that a girl around the same age as Val (2 yrs younger) is pulled into the world of Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain. If there is really another story here that is like this one, then I apologise beforehand. I did not mean to copy.**

**I am hoping that my story is different from the others. I am making it an Australian girl getting sucked into Ireland.**

**I am also apologising beforehand for any people/animals/politicians that I insult, whether it be accidently or otherwise.**

**I hope that I have not scared anyone away.**

**I don't own any of this apart from the names you don't recognise as being a part of the books. And even that might be pushing it! I don't own places/people.**

**ENJOY!**

**Alyss Mainwaring**


	2. 9 September,,,,,And the Madness Begins

**9****TH**** September 2011 – I don't even know if I am on the real Earth anymore…**

I have decided to keep a diary. If anything happens tomorrow like today, which is bound to happen considering where I am, I **have** to remember it.

But first, how I ended up here.

I have been sick for the past few days. Just a cold, nothing actually. I spent the last week off school and by the time it reached Saturday, I was bored. The good news though? I have no homework.

Or bad. Depending on how bored I get. Not a good thing.

I was just about to go to sleep when the room started spinning. The whole Dorothy in her tornado spinning effect. I landed in where ever I was with a thud.

That hurt.

I slowly stood up and checked to make sure that I had no broken anything. Nope, just bruises.

As you do, I started to look around at where ever I was. The hallway I had landed in was decorated with style, although some of it was slightly…odd. I hadn't taken my house with me and I hadn't landed on an evil witch, which meant I hadn't suddenly become Dorothy.

A woman rushed up the stairs. I stared at her and she stared at me. I felt a random urge to quote Skulduggery Pleasant. Which does happen often so I guess it isn't so random anymore.

'Don't mind her,' I started to say. 'She stares. That's what she does when she meets new people.

The woman now had her mouth open.

'Do I have something wrong with my face?' I asked her.

She just continued staring at me. I heard someone start to come up the stairs.

'You alright, Val?' a velvety voice with the best Irish accent I had ever heard, asked to woman standing opposite me with her mouth open attracting all types of flies.

I looked at her and raised one eyebrow.

'Val?' the voice asked again. I fell in love with the voice.

'You should answer him,' I said and nodded in the direction that the wonderful voice was coming from.

My Australian accent stood out sharply from everything else now.

'Awkward turtle!' I screamed and started running towards the stairs to find the owner of the voice.

Suddenly it hit me.

I mean it. I face-planted it with an over 6 foot high person. I stumbled backwards and was about to fall when he leapt forward and caught me.

'Who are you and how the hell do you get here?'

'I don't know how I got here,' I said starting to recognise the man.

'What's your name?' asked the man with the lovely voice.

'What's yours?' I fired back.

'Detective Inspector Me. Now yours?' he said and watched my mouth drop open. Yep I knew who he was now!

'You are Detective Inspector Me?' I asked him in shock. It couldn't be, I had thought at the time.

'Yes. Have you heard of me?' he asked slightly shocked himself that I knew his name.

'You questioned Kenny. I don't believe that it's you.' I looked at the roof above me.

'This place has high roofs,' I randomly said.

'Riiighttt,' Val said and I glared at her. How dare she interrupt my thought process? It is a delicate thing!

'How do you know that?' she now asked trying to get back on track. I rolled my eyes. That never works with me.

'I also know that you have never had any patience,' I snapped back and gave a random grin (which was more like a smirk).

'Bananas!' I screamed and Valkyrie fell over backwards in shock.

'Works every time,' I told "Detective Inspector Me".

He just adjusted his hat slightly. It was sooooooo tempting!

I stole it and took off down the hall. Soon enough I was being chased by Valkyrie. I got a pretty good layout of the house in my head. Just by chance the last room in the house I went into was Gordon's old study. I raced inside, shut the door and lay down on the floor in the middle of the room. I am a swimmer NOT a runner. Never have been. As I lay on the floor, trying my hardest to get my breath back, my eyes caught sight of the book shelf. The blank book…

Just as Valkyrie managed to get the door open, I disappeared into the hidden room and came face to face with Gordon. The echo Gordon, but still, Gordon.

Valkyrie, being too smart for the greater good, managed to realise where I had gone and it didn't take too long before she appeared in the same room I was in.

I threw the hat across the room just as I was tackled to the ground.

'Who's this?' Gordon asked as I tried to kill the hat through my glares. I felt myself being handcuffed (those didn't last long before they were taken off again), and I decided to ignore it. As soon as the pressure was released from my back I leapt across the room, through Gordon, poor guy… ghost… whatever he is, and grabbed the hat.

Skulduggery, opps, Detective Inspector Me chose the moment to walk in the door. He raised an eyebrow at me and it wasn't until then that I realised how fake looking his façade really was.

In desperation, I held the hat out the window in an unspoken yet obvious, threat.

'I'll drop it if any of you come any closer,' I growled, hoping to sound fierce but I just ended up giggling afterwards.

'Banana!' I shrieked again which turned into a scream as Fletcher appeared. And believe me, it wasn't a fan girl scream, it was the opposite.

'And what is the opposite, by the way?' I said out loud wondering. Skuldu- Detective Me took his hat back. What else could I do at the time? Fletcher was sucking Valkyrie's face off and me, being the totally unswayable Valduggery fan (even though it was slightly weird), nearly threw up at the sight of it. But the real funny thing was the Inspector Me looked disgusted as well.

I started laughing. Valkyrie and Fletcher stopped sucking each others face off and looked at me.

'Your hair,' I said.

'What?' Fletcher asked me.

'It's distracting. I thought someone should tell you. You can leave now,' I said straight faced as soon as I started a conversation with him.

'What's your name?' he asked me. I looked at him with my eyebrows raised.

'Don't have one,' I replied successfully acting adrift from the whole thing.

'You weren't given one when you were born?' Detective Me asked.

'I was.'

'Then what is it?'

'I prefer not being able to be controlled thank you very much,' I said and started pulling all the pins out of my hair from where it had been in a bun.

Fifty-three pins later and my hair was finally free of its bindings and tumbled down my back in wet golden locks.

'All this magic and it's still wet!' I cried out in frustration.

A loud thud, simular to my own personal thud that occurred when I arrived here, echoed through the house.

Val swore and the three of them left me alone with Gordon.

'So you don't have a taken name yet?' he asked in his Irish accent.

'No,' I answered back. My Australian accent really sounded out of place. Even Fletcher had a cooler accent than me! Fletcher of all people! Fletcher!

'Are you going to take one?' Gordon asked me and I pondered the thought for a while.

'Yes. Vintage Sketch,' I told him and he nodded.

'A sensible name, like Valkyrie's. Do you know the history behind Valkyrie's name?' he asked and I nodded yes.

'Warrior women who guide the souls of the dead off the battlefield. Viking,' I said showing off my knowledge off history and ability to bring Skulduggery Pleasant quotes into the conversations all at once.

'I'm surprised. Not many people know where it is from. Well done,' he complimented and I gave a smile and a quick nod of the head in thanks.

'It seems like the others are in need of my special powers. Live long and remain ugly,' I said and walked out the door. It was only until I was outside the door that I realised what I had just done.

I had told a dead man's ghost-ish thing to live a long and ugly life. Go me!

I reached the spot where everyone was gathered and leaned into the small circle they had made and started talking in a stage whisper.

'What are we looking at?' I whispered and I saw Fletcher jump while Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

A whispered conversation happened which I payed no attention to until I looked at the object we were staring at.

'Why are we watching my handbag like it is going to randomly jump up and scream bloody murder?' I asked talking normally.

'This is yours?' Val asked sounding slightly awed.

'Yeah, why?' I replied, starting to get suspicious.

'What on earth do you have in it?' she asked **still **sounding awed. I must be that type of person.

'Your face!' I screamed in her ear (she **was **standing next to me after all), grabbed my bag and ran down the stairs which I tripped on and face-planted again.

'You alright?' Mr Me called.

'Yes! I am just saying a close hello to the floor!' I yelled back and got up again. More bruises to add to the collection I just started today.

I started ratting through my handbag. When Val had asked what was in there I had said the first thing that came to mind. I seriously don't know what was in it.

The first Skulduggery Pleasant Book

The Trickster's Queen book

My phone (that's a first)

Needed make up

House keys

Address book

Minties

Hairbrush

Off cuts of fabrics

Jewellery

Who ever managed to send this to me gave me everything I needed. They even stocked up my minties for me!

Now I need to find this person and hail them.

'Val, are you going back to your house tonight or are you staying here. One of us needs to stay with the nutcase,' I heard Me say. Wow, that sounded weird.

I could hear her replying but I couldn't actually make out the words. But it wasn't long before the sexy, velvety voice of Me's was talking again.

'Sure,' was the one word said and both of them came down the stairs and stopped suddenly.

I was lying on the ground staring at the roof.

'Do you have a book I could use?' I asked neither of them in particular.

'In what sense?' Me asked.

'Something I can write in. I kept a journal at home with me normally,' I said and studied the roof even harder.

'You know if you lay on the second floor, just past the stairs, you can get a closer look at the roof,' Me said whilst Valkyrie went off to get what I had asked her.

'But I have seen it from there already,' I protested. 'Also, you will be pleased to know that I have decided to take you calling me a nut case as a compliment,' I informed him.

'Of course,' he almost purred and I am sure that I died. That voice! Not fair!

Valkyrie disappeared a little while later and I was shown to my new quarters for the moment. I walked in, sat on the bed and started to write this all.

As for Mr Me (hehehaha), I know he is Skulduggery Pleasant. I just want to make sure that if he reads this, he won't know I know. Oh dam.

Now he will.

Live Long And Remain Ugly

The newly named Vintage Sketch


	3. Bombs in Skuls hands

**10****TH**** September 2011 – Still haven't solved the mystery of where I am.**

I woke up and started my daily morning stretches. Weird I know, but I had nothing better to do. After I finished these I inspected the roof in my room.

Nothing special looking.

A slight tap sounded on the door.

'Go away! I am watching the roof to see if it moves!' I yelled.

'Are you decent?' the velvet voice asked through the door.

'Yes!' I called and watched the roof still. 'It moved!' I yelled suddenly as Me walked into the room.

'What moved?' he asked.

'The roof! It is a magical breathing roof!' I said and Me looked up at it.

'I don't see it moving,' he said.

'That's because you're gay!' I said. High school threats work a treat.

My phone randomly buzzed and I jumped about a mile. Skulduggery looked at it with a scared expression on his face. The tone for messages was the same one as Kim Possible's.

I glanced at the phone and dismissed it as unimportant. The roof moving was more important at this time! Skulduggery however didn't.

'Who was that?' he asked.

'Don't know, don't care, hope not, so there,' I replied. Even primary school comebacks work over here!

'Who's Stella?' he asked yet another question. Couldn't he see that I had more important things to do? Like staring at a roof!

'A person,' I said.

The next thing that happened seemed to happen all at once. I leapt out off the bed, grabbed my phone and ended up sitting on the bed again. Somehow…

**Where are you? **She had sent me.

**In Ireland I think**, I sent back.

'Bananas!' I shreiked and took off down the hall only to find an invisible barrier blocking me.

'No fair!' I called out to Skulduggery.

'What isn't? It's not me?' he said, a slight smile gracing his face.

'Fewmets!' I replied.

'What is that?' he asked.

'A term from another book,' I replied and shrugged my shoulders. 'You should read more.'

'Well you're doing all that heroic detective stuff so often. I think you should take a holiday. Least you become Lord Vile again.

'What?' he asked in amazement and I took my chance while he was distracted. I took off down the stairs. This time though, I didn't try and run down them I just slid down the banister.

'Tanith! Hold the door!' he called out just as I jumped off and made a run for the door. I stopped in front of it.

'Au revoir!' I called, turned on my heal and ran into Tanith.

Dam her to the darkest corner of hell.

'Who are you?' she asked.

'Vintage Sketch, enchanté,' I said stood back slightly and bowed.

'Finally!' Skulduggery called. 'A name to identify the nutcase by!'

'Why is he calling you a nut case?' Tanith asked.

'Well…' I started to say but was rudely interrupted by Skulduggery.

'Don't talk to her! I think her magic is adept,' he said.

'What type?' asked Tanith.

'Wouldn't you want to know,' I told her. 'Now if you excuse me, I am going to be leaving now.'

Bewildered Tanith stood aside.

'No!' Skulduggery called out and made another wall to stop me.

''Sup with all the walls?' I said and sat down where I was. Before they got even a word in though I started talking again.

'But for figments of my imagination, such as yourself, it's quite tough,' I said.

Tanith just stood there staring at me.

'What the hell?' she asked dazed.

I smiled and started going through my handbag again.

'While you are all trying to figure out what magic I have and stare at me, I am going to read,' I said and pulled out the SP book. The perfect timing my Stella has always possessed, my phone chose that moment to buzz.

**How did you get there? Everyone here is looking for u **she said.

**Be blowed if I knew ,** I sent back.

**Cool. Wait. Who is with you?**

**A certain skeleton detective.**

**Who?**

**Skulman. Who else?**

**How? What? Why?**

**Call you later. They stopped talking.**

I looked up.

'Yeah?' I asked them.

'Move into the kitchen?' Skulduggery offered.

'Bananas!' I screamed and cart wheeled my way to the kitchen.

'Sit,' Skulduggery said and I was pushed down into one of the chairs.

'Sitting,' I replied happily and kicked him as I got onto a safer spot on the chair. I looked at Tanith and she seemed to be judging me. Creepy!

'What is your name?' Skulduggery asked me.

'Taken or given or true. But then I am not going to tell you my given or true so you might save yourself breath,' I said and started going through the songs on my phone.

'Taken,' he said.

'Vintage Sketch. Master distracter,' I muttered. 'What songs do I have on here? Seriously? Single ladies chipmonk-en-ised?' I said and put it on. 'I feel like this interrogation needs some backing music, don't you believe?'

'No,' muttered Skulduggery.

'Yes,' said Tanith brightly.

'How did you get here?' asked Skulduggery.

'Well. I was about to go to sleep when I ended up in your hall way. Tell me, do you have anything to eat?' I asked.

'Uhh, yeah. Tanith,' Skulduggery said.

'Why is it always me who has to get our prisoner food?' she asked the sky.

'You know asking the sky things never works. Austen Powers!' I screamed and ran from the room. I decided to go and have another conversation with echo Gordon. He seemed to be the only person who I could actually really talk to.

I ran up the stairs only to come face to face with Val kissing Fletcher.

'Eww!' I screamed. They turned to look at me. Gosh. You know Val's only like 16?

'Flying elephants!' I yelled as I can down the corridor. Another random cart wheel.

I reached Gordon's study and went inside. Trying to sound as Val like as I possibly could (which failed I will tell you now), and went inside the secret room.

'What can you tell me about Skulduggery Pleasant?' I asked.

'Nice skeleton. Has a huge ego – wait, your not Valkyrie,' he said watching me.

'No. Do you really think I was her? no time to answer. Skulduggery has a bomb and he is threatening to let it off. He has Valkyrie in a choke hold and has his gun at her head. What do I do?' I asked him, pretending to panic. This was sure to go down well.

'What? Why? He doesn't seem like the person to do this,' Gordon said.

'Yeah, well he just snapped. I don't know. Help me!' I was starting to really get into this. It could end up really funny.

'I don't believe you,' Gordon said narrowing his eyes.

'And why should you? But believe me, he did have her,' I said and hoped to whatever god was out there that Valkyrie or anyone else for that fact, didn't suddenly walk in.

'Skulduggery!' Valkyrie's voice came up through the floor. Echo Gordon turned pale.

'I believe you,' he said. 'Here, this is all I have gathered about Skulduggery. This information if with and without his approval so don't let him get his hands on it!' he said. I grabbed the folder and took a quick look inside. The opening page looked oddly like the profile on Derek Landy's website. Creepy. Really creepy.

I took the stairs down three at a time and walked into the kitchen. Skulduggery was just finishing up tickling Valkyrie and then he helped her up from the ground. Tanith was looking at them amused and Fletcher was raiding the fridge. I helped him at it.

By the end of five minutes, I had gotten to know Fletch (he told me to call him that, how cool!) and we had put together a pretty good breakfast of ice cream and pancakes from yesterday.

'I would have never have thought of this,' he said as he looked at it in wonder. 'It looks brilliant.'

'That's what you get when you raid a fridge with me around,' I said laughing. We set ourselves up at the table and I opened the file to start reading. There were some really interesting things in here!

"And he has a huge ego, I should warn all who read this. Huge. There is no way that anyone could every try and catch up to it", the page I was reading said.

The things in here….

Imagine what I could get up to.

I looked up to see what everyone else was doing. Val and Skulduggery were talking about the latest case, Tanith was cleaning her sword and Fletch was getting his fourth serving of breakfast.

I walked over to the closet and ratted around. Yep, she had them. I had found what I needed.

It was a sandwich bag that had a water proof seal.

I blew it up, laid it on the table, took a great big breath and slammed my hands on it. A loud bag went off.

Val and Skulduggery both swore and jumped up out of their skins. Tanith jumped out of her seat and held her sword in her hands, Skulduggery pulled out his gun come up and Val pulled shadows up as well as making a flame appear in her hand.

'Brilliant!' I said. 'Now I know that you all are sorcerers at heart!' I blew them a kiss and looked up at the roof. The one in the kitchen was quite low and I was starting to feel claustrophobic.

I forgot to mention what Fletch did. He teleported to the other side of the room, making sure that he was behind all the others as he did so.

'Scaredy cat!' I called to him and suddenly he was beside me.

'I think I can still whoop your ase though,' he said and I smiled and nodded my head, acting all serious like.

'True, true. But I am still better,' I said.

Have to go now. Skulduggery has just found out about the trick I played on him. It was only a matter of time.

**(A/N )**

**I would like to thank Holly Swift for being my inspiration in the SP Fanfiction range and to for adding this story to their story alerts list. **

**My first SP story. :)**

**I found out today that one of my friends died on Friday and I don't really feel in the mood to update this as it is fun but my friend has died.**

**My camera club will sorely miss her jokes, running skills, an invaluable member and of course, her photography.**

**R.I.P Jen Keys**

**Alyss Mainwaring**

**(A/N)**


	4. Sorry for the wait and the dud chapter

**11 September – I'm just going to say Ireland from now on.**

I am going to pick up from where I left off yesterday.

Where was I?

Oh yeah…

Tanith glared at me and sat back down again. She continued cleaning her sword. The shadows in the room disappeared and Skulduggery sat back down and pretended like nothing had ever happened.

I shook my head and laughed silently. You do something like that; I am only going to try harder next time.

Fletcher teleported so that he was next to me again and resumed eating. How does he do that?

I stared at the table trying to think of what I could do.

Well the trick I played earlier was pretty good. But I have to come up with one to beat that.

Let's just skip time now as I spent until lunch working out what I was going to do, and by then I had a pretty good idea.

I was going to follow Skulduggery around on his cases.

We were sitting down for lunch and everything was just too quiet. Way too quiet for a person like me. I come from a family of six and nothing in my house is ever quiet in my family.

'Flying rabbits!' I screamed and got down from the table and ran into where the T.V. was located. I flipped through the channels. I didn't really know any of the news so I kept looking until I found one that was going on about what had just happened in Australia.

"And Julia Gillard had just stepped down from government. She has said that she wants to start a new life because her boyfriend Tim Mathieson proposed to her. This is unconfirmed however because an engagement ring is missing from her finger." The news reporter said. I missed her next sentence as I jumped for joy.

"There are rumors going around that the public hate for her was growing to an overwhelming level and she decided to step down before she caused riots in the streets." She finished off. It was turned off however by Skulduggery as he came into the room.

'Spoilt sport,' I muttered and turned to him. 'Yes?' I asked happily and pretended I hadn't really just said what I had. I knew he could hear and I knew that he was pretending that he didn't. Tanith however wasn't bothering with all of this.

I agree, she was mouthing behind Skulduggery's back and I waved my hand at her, wishing, not for the first time, that I really had elemental powers.

'I have organized a meeting with the Sanctuary tomorrow. They are going to see what they can do with you. Until then, I have the unfortunate task of keeping you amused. What do you want to do?' he asked.

'You're going to regret that,' I said. 'I want to use Tanith's sword.'

'No!' was the answering shriek I got back.

'Tanith,' Skulduggery started saying like he was talking to a little child.

'I'm not her career,' she said, trying to hold the sword as far away as she could.

'Yes but what else am I meant to do?' he asked.

'You could always go and buy me a foil,' I said trying to sneak it into the conversation.

Skulduggery and Tanith did that weird thing where they look at you then at each other smirking. Tanith pulled a face, grabbed Fletch's arm and whispered in his ear. He nodded and they vanished.

'Until they turn up again what do you want to do?' he asked. Listen to your voice, I thought. But no. that was not to be. Valduggery was meant to be.

'You can teach me magic,' I said.

'You might not have magic,' he sad back frowning.

'That's ok with me. It isn't really going to make a difference. I have to leave eventually anyway. You won't hear of me again after that. Maybe…' I said always the optimist.

'Come outside then. I need to find a comfortable place,' he said.

I was sat down on a rock and he sat down on one opposite me. Valkyrie sat on one slightly to his right, my left and glared at me.

'I can't do it until she stops that!' I said suddenly breaking both his and my concentration.

'Val, please?' Skulduggery sounded annoyed and tired. I feel honored.

While he wasn't watching I tried pushing at the paper clip and felt my eyes jump open as it moved and went down the front of Skulduggery's shirt.

Oh dam.

He leapt skywards and moved around as it worked its way down. I rolled on the floor and laughed my head off. A true rotflld moment.

Val too started rolling on the floor laughing. Eventually Tanith and Fletcher returned and were kind enough to join us rolling on the floor.

It took at least four tries for Skulduggery to get it out again and he did.

After about ten minutes of trying.

I still laughed on the floor though and every time I looked at one of the others we all started laughing again. It was about another ten minutes later when we stopped laughing and when I did I noticed tears of all our faces.

I glanced around and saw the carefully wrapped up foil. Next to it was another one and practice gear.

'What's the second set for?' I asked Tanith.

'Well, I know you know that I know how to use a sword. Well something you don't know is that I also know how to use a foil. Part of the basic training really,' she said and we both got dressed.

It was another five minutes by the time we were fully dress (she had gotten the electric equipment), and another five by the time was had set everything up.

'En guarde!' Skulduggery called. 'Fence!'

I suddenly darted forwards and was soon rewarded the first point. Skulduggery, who knew the basics of the sport, called time.

'Four, five. Winner to my right,' he said and we both took off our helmets and shook hands. It was a tad awkward as I am a left hander but she better get used to that.

'It has been a long time since I could be beaten by someone, but well done. I am amazed. You don't seem like a person to fight,' she huffed and I nodded and lay back down on the grass. That was the fastest battle I had seen in ages.

'Great!' I was barely heard above my own dying. I am so lucky that I was the person in my family to have missed inheriting the asthma. So lucky.

'Can you teach me how to fight with a sword?' I asked with big puppy dog eyes and she laughed.

'Sure. But those eyes don't work on you. Your eyes are more cunning like,' she said.

'Thank you,' I said. 'I think.'

She started teaching me.

'You're fast for a beginner,' she said. We were the only ones there anymore. Skul had gone off with Val to practice magic and Fletch had gone to where ever Fletchs go. Which I have no clue where it is by the way.

At least not yet I don't.

'Thank you. It must be the teacher. Any credit the student gets while still under guidance must go to the teacher,' I said.

'Break?' she offered a whole hour later than when we started.

'End?' I replied back noticing that dark was about to fall.

'Yep,' she said and be both moved to get the equipment. I could rain during the night you know. Very smart I am.

When we got inside I pulled open my book and started to write. I got halfway through when Skulduggery stormed down the stairs and stopped in front of me. He had a furious expression on his face. Or at least that's what I think he was trying to master. It didn't work to well on the façade. I don't think that's an expression he uses often funnily enough.

I quickly explained why I had to stop writing and looked up to meet his very furious eyes (ish). I couldn't help myself; I started laughing my head off.

'What has she done now?' asked Val coming into the room. I decided that it was going to be better if I placed my book down safely before standing up. I couldn't beat him fighting but I never backed down to a verbal war.

Unless I was losing…

This is often. But then again they are funny. Especially when you randomly start quoting books, which I plan to do.

'Why did you set me up?' he asked angry.

'As a wise old man said, "You have to be one of the good guys because there are way too many of the bad,' I said back with a straight face.

'How does that have to relate to anything at all?' he asked me. I smirked ever so slightly.

'I'd be a mad old hermit in a cave battling rock and saving the world from fungus, that's what I'd be doing,' I replied. The interview with "Skulduggery Pleasant" online was coming in handy right now. Although the real Skulduggery Pleasant's voice was much smoother and much more velvety sounding.

'What?' he asked yet another question although in this one it should be noted that he was almost screaming at me.

'Well, right, grand. Yes the whole skeleton thing, um, it really isn't as bad as it sounds you think,' I smirked.

Skulduggery was looking at me like he was going to blow a gasket any second now so I had to push him a little closer to falling off the cliff.

'For instance, I never put on weight for one thing.'

Oh what the hell. I was going to give him a shove.

'And I agree. You have grown into a well adjusted skeleton.'

Skulduggery cried out in frustration and stormed off.

For the rest of the night until they allowed me to go to bed, I was pounded with questions.

**Next Day**

I woke up and felt happy. Now was the time to scare the grand mage. Something I had always wanted to do.

I went down to the kitchen but no one else was there. I shrugged and cooked myself breakfast.

'Smells nice. What's on?' Fletcher asked as he appeared.

'I don't exactly know anymore. It started off as muffins but now…' I said looking at it with confusion. I gave up on the confusion after a while as it was a too difficult face to hold whilst looking at a still object and changed it to a glare.

'They still look like muffins,' he said. I looked at him and raised my eyebrows.

'Sort of,' he said afterwards and sat down at the kitchen island.

Just as Tanith walked in the door, still looking asleep, the oven went bing. I raced over, pulled out a fork and started gently pushing it into the closest muffin. I pulled it out again and it wasn't moist.

'Perfect,' I said and pulled them out. 'Now we have to wait for them to cool down slightly. I said and watched them as they deflated just that tiny bit.

'Cool enough,' I said and threw one over to Fletch and Tanith. Valkyrie walked in. Being in a good, mood I threw one to her as well.

'Brilliant. You need to stay here and become my chief,' Tanith said licking her fingers.

'Nope. I'd get bored,' I said. 'Flying Kangaroo!' And I left the room.

I got dressed into the clothes Val had brought over for the day (she was lending me some of hers until I could go out and get some), and walked down the stairs again.

Nothing really wasn't happening. Skulduggery hadn't turned up yet and Tanith was still too asleep to practice weaponry with me. My archery kit and the trampoline were back home, as well as my book collection.

I could read And the Darkness Rained Upon them, I thought and then dismissed the idea. Not my style of book.

Then I remembered that I still had the whole of yesterday to write about and some of today so here I am.

**In the night**

Today was interesting to say the least. I meet the grand mage and after only three minutes of speaking to me asked me what type of magic I practiced. I said none and he didn't look all too sure of that.

I introduced him to Fletcherie and Valduggery and was shared a good laugh together. Nice bloke. Took up the whole day though. By the end I was starving. We had take away for dinner. McDonalds here is better than Australia's. And they serve weird things! We got home late in the night and I am just quickly writing this right before I go to sleep. I need it to look good tomorrow anyway.

Skulduggery arrived only ten minutes after I finished writing in here. He woke me up from a really good dream! He ignored me for the rest of the journey and I was annoyed to find out that I had to sit in the back. Pity.

I kicked his seat gently every time we went around the corner and now he swears something is wrong with the car. He was surprised that no one else could feel it though. Don't worry. I kicked light enough that it didn't leave a mark.

Fletcher sat next to me and complained the whole way. I mean come on! How many times can one person complain about the same thing in a whole minute? Lots apparently.

I tried to drown him out by singing. Probably wasn't the best choice in song types to drown people out but that's what I felt like singing.

_Took my trouble to a bar tonight  
>For another point of view<br>But there's nothing new  
>I'm missing you<em>

Great song, great song. I really love that verse. When we finally arrived at the sanctuary I nearly died. What was I doing here? I was, **am **just a girl from a not too wealthy town in Sydney, NSW, Australia, Earth, Space, Milky Way, the Universe.

Enough sloppy stuff.

Because Ghastly is on the council of elders we didn't have the customary waiting period and we went straight in.

'This is the girl you are talking about?' Erskine asked.

'Yes. She is,' Skulduggery replied evenly.

'I don't see anything of what you were talking about Skulduggery,' he said.

'Give her a minute to get warmed up,' he said and I gave him a glare. The roof here was really high. Now there's a roof to be proud of.

'Hi Erskine. How are you today?' I asked him and stuck out my hand for him to shake it.

'Well thank you,' he said to me and then to Skulduggery, 'How does she know my name?' he asked him.

'I don't know. She knew one of my code names as well and who I interviewed using it. He got it right as well,' he said. I could tell that he was still annoyed with me. Oh well. All's fair in love and war.

'Still here!' I said and waved my hand in front of Erskine's face. 'Tu parlez francais?' I asked him.

'Ish. Yeah why?' he said back.

'Donno. Bored of English I guess,' I replied.

'Gaelic? I'm better at that,' he said.

'Nope.' I said.

'Comment ca va?' I asked him.

'Ca va bien merci. Et toi?' he asked.

'Pas toup Bien. Je suis en retarde,' I said.

'What to?' he asked.

'Don't know. I am always late. Guess I'll be late to my own funeral as they say. Did you know that the word funeral has the word "fun" in it? amazing what words have come up,' I said and continued not leaving him any space to talk.

'Do you know where we get most of the days of the week from? The Vikings of course. Wednesday comes from Woden's day, which is Odin's other name. Thursday comes from Thor, Friday comes from Frey. How fascinating? Have you seen Vantage point? Good movie. Lots of action, no plot at all though. It's really cool,' I took a breath and he but in.

'I see what you mean now Skulduggery. No. I have not seen that movie but I will go and watch it now as it sounds good and I didn't know all that fact about the Vikings. You are a really odd little girl aren't you? What magic do you study?' he said. I laughed in joy. Someone could follow me!

'I know I am. But that's what makes me fun. I don't do any magic,' I said. They didn't know that I just slipped another quote in there. Gosh. The ignorance of these people sometimes… most of the time actually.

'Actually, can I speak to you three alone?' I asked the three elders.

At his nod the rest of the people behind me left.

'Now why did you want us alone? But before you answer I need to tell you that I am highly trained in magic and Ghastly here is a very, very, good boxer,' he said leaning forward, tyring to intimidate me.

NOT WORKING JUST TO TELL YOU!

'This,' I said and showed them my phone. During the conversation earlier I had opened it to the worst Valduggery I could find. Now I held it up to the and Erskine reached out to touch it.

'Don't I suddenly said and jumped back, causing the others to jump back in shock. 'It is programmed to detonate if anyone appart from me touches it,' I said and fiddle around with it. I found the noises section and pressed a button so it beeped.

'Now you can look,' I said and gave it to them. Erskine read it first and started laughing. Ghastly took it next and read it then it was passed to the remaining person in the room. The child of the spider. **(A/N Am I right?)**

Once all three of them had read it and stopped laughing Skulduggery and the rest of them were called in.

'Is it true?' Erskine asked as he tried to hold back laughter. Ghastly decided not to help and started laughing. I however, was sitting in a chair all calm and quiet. Finally Erskine said the magic words.

'Are you and Valkyrie in love with each other?' he asked and I couldn't help myself. I started laughing too. Only at the looks on their faces! Tanith started giggling at she walked over to Ghastly to lean on for support.

After we had stopped laughing it was decided to get the Australian grand mage over to see what he/she could do and how I could be a part of that community.

The rest of the meeting included French, Valduggery, Ganith and maybe a little Fletch bashing but all together interesting.

I still think that Skulduggery hasn't forgiven me yet. Fun days! I am going to sleep now. I am tired and I need my beauty sleep.

And my make up…

Live Long and Remain Ugly

Vintage Sketch

**A/N**

**Longest chapter for this story!**

**31 people read this story and only one person has reviewed. Please people. I am getting dispirited here. And that is a bad thing!**

**I did the amazing race today expect for cameras. It was fun. You have to run around and take photos of the things that they tell you to. But you don't know what it is beforehand. **

**The only thing missing was the person who had died recently. They are telling the rest of the club later.**

**My French is not too good…**

**Hopefully I will put up the link soon and you guys have to vote with it all. Please vote. I forgive if you don't review then. I will forgive you!**

**If anyone does bother reviewing can they tell me one weird animal?**

**And I the time that I have been writing this it has jumped up to 38. Thanks people. Thanks a lot.**

**Note the sarcasm.**

**Alyss Mainwaring **


	5. What's up with Fletcher?

**12 September 2011 – Still in Ireland**

I woke up just as normal and sighed. It had all been a dream. I knew this. I would go back to school and tell everyone about the odd dream I had. People will laugh, I might elaborate just a touch (or maybe a lot) and we will all talk about kangaroo meat. I would go back to my boring day to day life.

It was only then that I realised that I had yet to open my eyes. I decided that this would help me go about my day and I did so.

Well it seemed like I was not going to school today. Or for a while on that fact.

I was still in Ireland.

Of all the places to be caught in, it had to be here. And they weren't even on a case!

Slowly I got out of bed, it was just one of those days, you know. I wasn't feeling up to it. Skulduggery didn't have a case on and I was stuck here without my book collection.

Getting dressed I thought about my plans for the day. The Australian Grand Mage was arriving today and I was going to see min/her/it (most likely and it) tomorrow, leaving today free.

Being me I wasn't bothered fencing and it was one of those days where reading wasn't worth it. The way I was going, I would run out of things to do in ten minutes, when I finished this list.

I walked back down the stairs and muttered a greeting to Val, who was looking altogether a lot happier than one was supposed to be at this hour of the morning.

Tanith walked in. Saved by her!

'Mornin'' she muttered and sat down at a bench.

'Late night?' I asked sweetly. It was too early in the morning to deal with my tricks as well. Best time of the day to play them in my opinion. Not that anyone asked or anything.

'Real,' she said and yawned again.

'How late?' I asked another question. Tanith glared at me to shut up and cook her breakfast. I didn't more and raised an eyebrow.

'Got back at 3. Now can you make me breakfast?' she asked.

'Nope,' I said and sat back down. Now would be the perfect time to scream something.

'Flying Kangaroos!' I screamed and watched as Tanith woke up and Val glared at me. I gave her a huge smile back.

As you do I decided to sing something. Now I don't have the best voice on earth so it gets really funny when I sing.

Just as I had taken a big breath and opened my mouth to start my phone went off.

**What are you doing? **Stella sent.

**Singing.**

**Oh no. what?**

**Big Bang theme song. Full.**

**You know it?**

**Course I do. Nothing else to do when I was away from school for that whole week.**

**Someone help whoever is in the room with you.**

**Only Val and Tanith.**

**Don't kill them please. I actually like the books about them.**

**I will try.**

Nothing would stop me now. I was going to start singing!

_Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,_  
><em>Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...<em>  
><em>The Earth began to cool,<em>  
><em>The autotrophs began to drool,<em>  
><em>Neanderthals developed tools,<em>  
><em>We built a wall (we built the pyramids),<em>  
><em>Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,<em>  
><em>That all started with the big bang!<em>

_"Since the dawn of man" is really not that long,_  
><em>As every galaxy was formed in less time than it takes to sing this song.<em>  
><em>A fraction of a second and the elements were made.<em>  
><em>The bipeds stood up straight,<em>  
><em>The dinosaurs all met their fate,<em>  
><em>They tried to leap but they were late<em>  
><em>And they all died (they froze their asses off)<em>  
><em>The oceans and pangea<em>  
><em>See ya wouldn't wanna be ya<em>  
><em>Set in motion by the same big bang!<em>

_It all started with the big BANG!_

_It's expanding ever outward but one day_  
><em>It will cause the stars to go the other way,<em>  
><em>Collapsing ever inward, we won't be here, it wont be hurt<em>  
><em>Our best and brightest figure that it'll make an even bigger bang!<em>

_Australopithecus would really have been sick of us_  
><em>Debating out while here they're catching deer (we're catching viruses)<em>  
><em>Religion or astronomy, Encarta, Deuteronomy<em>  
><em>It all started with the big bang!<em>

_Music and mythology, Einstein and astrology_  
><em>It all started with the big bang!<em>  
><em>It all started with the big BANG!<em>

The greatness of that song. Sung really fast it is just as funny.

'What was that?' Valkyrie said looking at me with worry.

'The fun of Big Bang theories,' I said. 'Hey Skulman,' I looked up to see him and said.

'Hey, Vinatage. I – ' he managed to get in before I screamed.

'He said my name!' I yelled. I gave it about ten minutes then sat back down quietly again. 'What?' I asked him.

'What what?' he said.

'I don't know,' I said. 'Do you know what Skulduggery means?' I asked him.

'Yes,' he said.

'No!' Tanith and Val said together.

'Well, it means, _Unfair and dishonest practices carried out in a secretive way in order to trick other people_,' I said and laughed at the glare on Skulduggery's face.

'LOL,' Tanith said before collapsing.

I waited a while before I started talking again. 'Yep. And yours means serpent lady, Tanith,' I said. I allowed Valkyrie to laugh for a while and started talking again.

But I was inturpted by Fletcher making an appearance. Both Valkyrie and him glared at each other before Val walked out.

'What was that about?' I asked him.

'She broke up with me yesterday,' he slurred. He had a beer bottle in his hand.

'_Oh sweetheart, put the bottle down  
>You've got too much talent<br>I see you through those bloodshot eyes  
>There's a cure you've found it,' <em>I sang to him and took the beer bottle. Tanith sniffed it and pushed it away.

'I'm sure whatevers in that is toxic,' she said, but then her eyes brightened. 'I know the song you were singing!' she said and started singing herself.

_Slow motion sparks  
>You caught that chill<br>Now don't deny it  
>But boys will be boys<br>Oh yes they will  
>They don't wanna define it<br>Just give up the game and get into me  
>If you're looking for thrills then get cold feet<em>

'I wasn't going to go that far,' I blushed. I then stupidly tried to change topic. 'Why did she break up with you?' I asked.

This time it was his turn to blush. 'She saw me looking at someone else,' he said.

'TMI,' I said and stood up.

For the next three hours I read Gordon's books. I must admit, they were pretty OK.

'Training,' I heard someone over me say.

'What?' I asked still looking at my book.

'Time for you to train. If you are going to be staying with up for a while then you might as well train with us,' Skulduggery said.

'Flying vending machines!' was my only reply as I stood up and stretched slightly. It wasn't good for my sitting in that position for so long. Really bad for my back.

I followed him to where ever he was going.

'How many languages do you know?' he asked.

'One and a third,' I replied confidently. 'Though it might not be a third. It might be less.

'A third?' he asked.

'Still studying it. I can hold an OK conversation though,' I said.

'What language?' he asked.

'French and English,' I said and he rolled his eyes.

'Right. I am going to spend one hour teaching you Gaelic and then you will be taken to Val who will teach you magic who will then take you to Tanith who will fight with you,' he said and pulled out a large book.

'Big whoop,' I whispered and sat back in my chair. This was going to be a long lesson.

'That was interesting,' I said, my mind buzzing with what I had just learnt.

'Basics,' Skulduggery said back and led me through the forest to where Val was fighting against Tanith.

'Finished,' he said and they broke apart.

'You sure you can't teach her?' Val asked.

'No. I have things to do,' he said and disappeared.

I was sat down and taught how to empty my mind. Not that it worked. But by the end of it I had managed to create a small fire. Now it was Tanith's turn to torture me!

'I'm going to teach you how to actually use a sword now. You have the basics from fencing now you are going up to the next level,' she started and I stared. I WAS DOOMED!

For the next hour she taught me how to hold the sword and how to use it. I was given a sword and sheath and I strapped it onto my waist. Apparently Ghastly was making clothes for me.

So much in one day, but it wasn't over.

'And for the next hour I am going to teach you hand to hand combat,' Tanith said with an evil grin.

'I'd rather not,' I said and moved backwards slowly. 'I can't actually do this. Believe me, I have tried. I can't make all those silly sounds.'

'Don't worry. You don't have to make them. Now, first we are going to…' I forgot what she said. I was too busy staring.

I swear I have about six more bruises than I started off with. I bruise easily!

And that is what happened today. Sorry it is so short. I can't sit down properly from where I was dumped on my behind. Fletcher just disappeared after I talked to him funnily enough.

Live Long and Remain Ugly

Vintage Sketch

**(A/N)**

**I got a foil today! Go me!**

**That's it really… Sorry it is short. I am like dead after practicing with my new foil. It is the BEST! I do wish more people would review though…**

**Alyss Mainwaring**

**(A/N)**


	6. Short really short!

**13****th**** September – Ireland still. Although…**

I haven't seen Fletch all day and I am starting to wonder. He will make his way back eventually.

I hope.

But no matter. Today I got to meet the Australian Grand Mage. She was weird. As I opened my eyes this morning something in me said that the day I was going to have was not going to be the effort that getting out of bed was. I was so going to just lay back and go to sleep again.

'Too late now, I had thought. Val was waiting above my bed.

'Go away,' I muttered to her. she laughed and pulled me out of bed. Literally.

'Wednesday, Thursday, Friday?' I asked her.

'Clothes for you. Then come down and eat. We have to be a the sanctuary in one hour,' she said, dumped a package on my lap and left.

I got up and tore open the package. Inside was black clothing with a dark, almost black coat. There were boots made to fit perfectly and an inspector hat which was black with a same purple velvet ribbon to match. I had asked for black and purple because I like purple better than red. That and it suits me better.

Slipping them on (perfect fit, but what else) I was really excited. This dream I was having was getting better and better by the minute. It was only the best dream I had ever had and it was out doing itself at every turn and twist in the story. 'I wonder if I will remember it when I wake up?' I wondered out loud.

'What will?' a voice from the door way said. I turned to see Tanith standing, looking bored.

'My dream,' I said and turned back to the mirror applying more make up. It was still really light though.

'And what dream would that be?' Tanith asked and came over to start inspecting my make up. 'How can you wear all this?' she asked yet another question.

'I don't to school. I would get killed,' I answered and put the last of it down.

Soon after we walked down the stairs to find Valkyrie screaming at Fletcher while he was looking slightly scared. Skulduggery was trying to read but occasionally he looked up and death glared at Fletcher. Poor Fletch. I mean, he is a good guy… occasionally… I walked forwards and patted Val on the arm.

'Now I know that he was being unbearable and annoying but that doesn't mean that you can PMS and kill him,' I said and pushed her into a chair.

'Now you,' I said walking forwards to where Fletch was still standing and placed my hand delicately on his shoulder. 'You have been very unfair to Val over there. Looking at other women while she is still your girl friend, what a thing to do! She can hurt you! You should have done it when she wasn't around. And if you couldn't get your little pervy eyes off them until then, you need to get checked out. Now of course you can look at those women. But then? While she was still your girlfriend? Flying horses. Now you are going to have to take us all to Australia for breakfast,' I said and left my hand on his shoulder.

'What's this about going to Australia?' skulduggery asked coming in at the right time for the conversation.

'Fletcher is going, flying koalas, to take us all to Australia for breakfast,' I said. 'Thank you for that Fletch,' I told him and as soon as we were all touching we appeared in Australia.

I let the spring sun wash across my face. It felt good again to be here. I started walking in a random direction. Like I knew what I was doing. It was really funny really; they did follow me like I knew what I was doing. And in a way I did. It was only two minutes before we arrived at a McDonalds.

'Can I please have a…' I can't remember my order now but at the time it sure was yum. After about ten minutes (Tanith couldn't decide what to get), we had all sat down on a table outside.

A pigon came.

'F OFF YOU BIRD!' I yelled at it and stood up. It was unfased.

'Flying teachers!' I screamed at it and tried to kick it at the same time. it flew away. I turned back to the group.

'Sorry. I have a deep dark vendetta against those birds,' I said and sat back down to what I now think was my pancakes breakfast.

'Why? They're pretty,' Val said watching one.

'And pretty annoying as well,' I replied back.

We were able to talk there for about twenty minutes before having to head back to the mansion. We still had to drive to the sanctuary. The silly people didn't trust me alone with Fletcher. It wasn't like I was going to **do **anything with him. Ew!

We walked inside and were shown straight to a room without any windows and it was dimly lit by magic. The grand mage Erskine himself came in followed by a familiar red haired.

I leapt forward punched the Australian grand mage in the nose. She doubled over as sshe felt her nose break. I smiled and moved backwards. Only when she had stood up did I start screaming.

'You evil witch. Our country was going strong and you came along. Never once have you been elected in! You double crossed Kevin Rudd and bribed your way to the top. Is that how you did it? by sleeping with people like Tilly Divine?' I started screaming. Some people ruhed forwards to surround the grand mage and I was taken out of th room until I could calm down. Outside (we had to go outside the building, I was screaming that much) Skulduggery, Valkyrie and I saw some nasty looking infected and some real nasty looking vampires.

'Be brave,' Skulduggery said and I cut across.

'Sorry to interrupt,' I started to say. 'ut if you don't see me in five minutes, tehn I've probably died a very brave and heroic death,' I said and ran screaming towards the sanctuary building again.'Or not,' I said as I was surrounded by infected.

An evil villain came forward.

'As you can see you are outnumbered,' she said to Skulduggery.

'I usually am,' he replied back.

'Your situation has become quite untenable,' she said to Valkyrie.

'It usually does,' she replied back.

'I'm gonna tortue you iuntil you can't sream no more. Then to double check I'm gonna cut out your tounge and send it to your parents as a thank you girft for Christmas,' she said to me.

'Ok, that's a new one on me,' I replied back.

'Kill them!' she screamed.

'Flying trees!' I screamed at the same time.

The infected moved nowhere because I had managed to confuse them.

Have to leave it off for the moment. I have to go and say why I had punch Julia Gillard in the face and broke her nose.

Cause it suited me?

Live Long and Remain Ugly

_Vintage Sketch_


	7. Today and yesterday

**14 September – I actually think that I am in England at the moment**

I started walking back to where Skulduggery stood, but I was stopped by the line of infected.

'Hello, little vampire-ish thing. Comment ca va?' I asked it.

It growled at me.

'Nice to know you as well. I am fine thank you for asking. Now you are going to let me through and then start attacking. You see, I am new to this all and you are going to help me by attacking me after I am in safely right?' I asked it and it stepped aside.

I stared at it as I moved to Skulduggery and Valkyrie.

'How did you do that?' he asked me.

I looked at him with a straight face.

'J'ai vu bon roman policier,' I said and looked back over to the infected.

'How did that happen?' the evil villain said. 'No matter. Kill them!' she screamed and the infected did nothing.

'Sit in a circle and play duck, duck, goose I yelled at them in return after the woman did and they started to play.

'My own army of infected by the age of fourteen. Best thing to happen ever,' I said and looked at Skulduggery.

'I have an explanation for that but you won't understand my genius,' Skulduggery said staring at it.

We soon captured the villain, fixed the infected and went back into the sanctuary a whole hour after we walked out for "ten minutes or until the lunatic cools down". HA!

We walked in and I saw Julia Gillard on a chair looking slightly, pissed, shall I say?

'A whole hour?' Erskine asked. 'How did that happen? She took that long to cool down?'

'No. we were attacked,' Val said.

'When are you not,' I muttered.

'God helps us,' Julia said. I listened to them talk for a little while before I sat down and started to write in my diary.

'Why did punch Julia? She seems like a nice person,' Erskine said.

'Yeah, no. She is evil. She made the whole country collapse,' I said.

'What? Why?' Val asked.

'She is… was the Prime Minister. LOSER!' I yelled at her.

'Good to know that I have one supporter,' she muttered in response and Ghastly tried not to laugh. Tanith like normal just burst out laughing.

'Hey Val!' I said to her randomly.

'Oh god. Yes?' she answered back.

'Thank you for that,' I started sarcastically, 'Why don't we just watch movies tonight and listen to music. You know. Us and Tanith,' I said. Dam that sounded retarded.

'Might as well. You can get us interested in some Australian Artists and I can get you into some movies. What movies do you know?' she asked me.

'Like none,' I said back to her.

'Ok. Do you have any suggestions to what we should watch?' Tanith asked.

'Yep. Twilight. We can make fun of the vampires in it,' I muttered.

'You know Julia,' I said. 'You remind me of a pigeon. One that is annoying everyone in town and they want to kill it. I know a lot of people who want to kill you,' I told her and looked at the roof. It was really low!

'Do you know what half the battle is?' I asked Julia.

'No,' she replied back.

'Trying. Trying is half the battle,' I said.

'And what's the other half?' Skulduggery asked looking at me with suspicion in his eyes.

'Hitting him more times than he hits me,' I said and shrugged.

'Who was the evil villain that you threw in the Gaol?' Ghastly asked us.

'Don't know, don't care, hope not, so there,' I replied automatically to him again.

'You're helpful,' he said to me.

'I know I am. Thank you so much for saying so,' I replied and laughed. More idle conversation went on. I was starting to think of home. Would I ever get back? Who had noticed I was missing? Did they just think I was over a friend's house or were they actually worried?

I was silent for the whole trip back to the mansion. I didn't belong in this world. II never would unless I created something in it for me. Everyone here had Irish accents but I had an Australian one. What was up with that?

If I was at home right now… I thought as I looked at my watch. It was still set to Australian time. I would be writing about this all, or doing a household chore or reading or even in school. It is so odd not to be in school at the moment.

I got out of the car and walked inside, going straight to the kitchen. Once there I sat down on one of the chairs and put my head in my arms.

I was stuck in a foreign country with no clue as to why or _how_ I got there. I felt the tears start to pour out. What was I doing here?

I felt a hand rubbing my shoulder soothingly. After about three minutes of a mystery person doing this, I looked up to see Fletcher watching me slightly worried.

'What's wrong?' He asked me.

'What's wrong?' I asked back. 'What's wrong?' I repeated myself.

'I am here, in a foreign country that I have never been to before, soling crimes like murders and everything for a magic community that doesn't exist apart from in my head. And your asking what's wrong?' I sighed after my out burst. Why was I here?

I text my best friend with nothing to do.

**Sup?**

A moment later a reply came.

**Nothing new. You?**

**I give up on the whole Skulduggery thing. I just want to be home again. **

**Yeah. I can understand…sorta.**

I gave up on that conversation as well. Tanith walked into the kitchen.

'Vint, we're about to start watching this "twilight" you suggested. Fletch, piss off,' she said and walked back into the room.

'Thank you,' I said to him. I meant it with all my heart. I do need to vent every now and again.

'No problem. Her is my number is you need me,' he said and disappeared.

I walked into the main room with the T.V. and started watching. By the end, the three of us were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe and I was the first person to recover.

'And that ladies is why I suggested it to you,' I said regal like.

'To so that? People pay to watch that?' Val asked.

'Yep. They go and watched a Creepy Depressed 100 year old virgin,' I said. And we all started laughing again.

We watched Narnia, the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. I love the Narnian Lullaby. No fun was made with that though. It is a stunning movie.

We then started singing and dancing. I plugged my phone in.

'This is the first one I am going to show you all today,' I said and put it on.

_There's an old Australian stockman, lying, dying,  
>and he gets himself up on one elbow,<br>and he turns to his mates,  
>who are gathered 'round him and he says: <em>

_Watch me wallabys feed mate.  
>Watch me wallabys feed.<br>They're a dangerous breed mate.  
>So watch me wallabys feed.<br>Altogether now! _

_Tie me kangaroo down sport,  
>tie me kangaroo down.<br>Tie me kangaroo down sport,  
>tie me kangaroo down. <em>

_Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl,  
>keep me cockatoo cool.<br>Don't go acting the fool, Curl,  
>just keep me cockatoo cool.<br>Altogether now! _

_Take me koala back, Jack,  
>take me koala back.<br>He lives somewhere out on the track, Mac,  
>so take me koala back.<br>Altogether now! _

_Let me Abos go loose, Lou, __*__  
>let me Abos go loose.<br>They're of no further use, Lou,  
>so let me Abos go loose.<br>Altogether now! _

_Mind me platypus duck, Bill,  
>mind me platypus duck.<br>Don't let him go running amok, Bill,  
>mind me platypus duck.<br>Altogether now! _

_Play your digeridoo, Blue,  
>play your digeridoo.<br>Keep playing 'til I shoot thro' Blue,  
>play your digerydoo.<br>Altogether now! _

_Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,  
>tan me hide when I'm dead.<br>So we tanned his hide when he died Clyde,  
>(Spoken) And that's it hanging on the shed.<br>Altogether now! _

Tanith and Val laughed at the end of it.

'I like the wobbling sound. What is it?' Tanith asked.

'A wash board if I remember correctly,' I said back thinking.

'Another song!' called Val.

'This one is slower and softer sounding,' I warned before putting it on.

_I came from the dreamtime from the dusty red soil plains  
><em>_I am the ancient heart, the keeper of the flame__  
><em>_I stood upon the rocky shore__  
>I watched the tall ships come<br>For forty thousand years I'd been the first Australian._

_I came upon the prison ship bowed down by iron chains._  
><em>I cleared the land, endured the lash and waited for the rains.<em>  
><em>I'm a settler.<em>  
><em>I'm a farmer's wife on a dry and barren run<em>  
><em>A convict then a free man I became Australian.<em>

_I'm the daughter of a digger who sought the mother lode_  
><em>The girl became a woman on the long and dusty road<em>  
><em>I'm a child of the depression<em>  
><em>I saw the good times come<em>  
><em>I'm a bushy, I'm a battler<em>  
><em>I am Australian<em>

_[chorus]_  
><em>We are one, but we are many<em>  
><em>And from all the lands on earth we come<em>  
><em>We share a dream and sing with one voice<em>  
><em>I am, you are, we are Australian<em>

_I'm a teller of stories_  
><em>I'm a singer of songs<em>  
><em>I am Albert Namatjira<em>  
><em>I paint the ghostly gums<em>  
><em>I am Clancy on his horse<em>  
><em>I'm Ned Kelly on the run<em>  
><em>I'm the one who waltzed Matilda<em>  
><em>I am Australian<em>

_I'm the hot wind from the desert_  
><em>I'm the black soil of the plains<em>  
><em>I'm the mountains and the valleys<em>  
><em>I'm the drought and flooding rains<em>  
><em>I am the rock, I am the sky<em>  
><em>The rivers when they run<em>  
><em>The spirit of this great land<em>  
><em>I am Australian<em>

_[chorus]_  
><em>We are one, but we are many<em>  
><em>And from all the lands on earth we come<em>  
><em>We share a dream and sing with one voice<em>  
><em>I am, you are, we are Australian<em>

_We are one, but we are many_  
><em>And from all the lands on earth we come<em>  
><em>We share a dream and sing with one voice<em>  
><em>I am, you are, we are Australian<em>

'That's a nice one,' Val said.

We played a couple more of the more well know songs (last Friday night and others) and danced and killed high notes. I don't really think that it was counted as singing as it was very scary if it was singing.

The party went well into midnight and by the time we all collapsed into bed, we couldn't talk.

**Today**

Today I read. I had nothing else to do, I was tired and I felt like I needed to read Gordon's books while I still could. Other than that I did nothing. I don't think I even ate. I haven't seen Val at all but I know for a fact that Tanith only appeared at midday to eat then practice. Then she went back to sleep on the couch.

Live Long and Remian Ugly

Vintage Sketch

**(A/N)**

**I would like to thank anyone who has reviewed/ put me on story alert/ favourited. Even those people I forced to read :) (In the middle because I know how annoying it is to read :) )**

**REVIEW!**

**Alyss Mainwaring**

**(A/N)**


	8. And it begins Again

**16 September 2011 - In Skulduggery's basement as odd as that sounds**

I didn't get to write about yesterday as I was too busy a pretty little (mean) vampire all day. As I was running though, I got to know more about the group.

Poor Fletch. I didn't see him while running, which did make life harder for us. It really is odd. I would have thought that I would see him more often. I make the mistake of asking Val if this was the normal behaviour for him. She just gave me a death glare be that way then.

What did I do yesterday?

In the morning Fletch took us to an American McDonalds. That was something new. Then we -


	9. Catch Up

**23 September 2011 – Actually in Ghastly's attic now…**

Well, I started to write things then but I had to stop as we were about to be attacked. I swear, Dr Nye is no where as good as Kenspeckle used to be!

I got so many bruises that day!

Anyway, now is not the time. What did I do all that ages ago?

I will pick up from where I left off from.

When we got back to the mansion, Fletch disappeared again to wherever he goes to these days. I still don't see him all that often…

I will skip most of that day as I don't remember it :) But I do know that we were at the sea edge, where Val jumped into the water to save herself from all those nasty infected, when the crazy dude came around the corner.

I was the only person who noticed him arriving. I mean, it was just another person, why should they have to worry. We were out here to watch the sunset and I had just turned around to see what it looked like on the other side (because I could) when I saw him. He was limping slightly on his left foot and I continued looking at the sunset. I stopped however when he came up close to me.

'Sup?' I said to him. Yes it was a question, but I was not expecting an answer.

'Get out of my way little girl and you won't be violently disembowelled,' he replied. Even if I had been expecting a reply that would not have been it!

'As lovely as that sounds I think I will leave you to Pleasant and Cain. Val! Skul! Random weirdo trying to kill you behind you and in front of me!' I yelled and ran for it. Suddenly the creep was in front of me.

'Whoa!' I said slowly and took a couple of steps backwards. I was roughly pushed aside by Skulduggery as he ran passed.

'Who on mars is that?' I asked as they started fighting this person.

'Your death if you don't lave now and stay out of this forever,' a person said coming out of the ground behind me.

'I know who you are!' I screamed and ran in the other direction. The evil person came to appear in front of me.

'Go away you hippogriff!' I said and kicked the closest rock. It hit his leg and he swore.

'Oh no! You said a bad word!' I dibbed and started walking down the road pretending that nothing had just happened. The faces of people when you do that. The people who know what happened watch you like you have just walked calmly off a cliff where as the other people stare at you like you took a huge run up and screamed your way down that cliff. Trust me I would know.

The fight went on for another couple of minutes with me playing that game and it ended with all the badies tied up and us with little bruises. All together a good time.

It was only as I got to the car and placed a hand on my head that I realised that I was bleeding.

'That's a bugger,' I said looking at the blood like it was going to get up and start dancing.

'What is?' Val asked not turning around to see me yet.

'The amount of blood pouring out of my head,' I replied with a casual shrug. I know she wasn't watching me and neither was Skulduggery, but the world is my stage right?

That got both of their attention though and I was taken to the sanctuary to get healed. I didn't want any scars. How would I explain them to people?

_How did you get that scar on your head? Did you fall over or something?_

_No. I fought some scary dude with a nasty looking bade with Val and Skul._

_Sure and how did you get the scar?_

Yep. That conversation was sure to go down well. Oh well, it wasn't going to happen yet. Getting hurt was just one of the many accepted facts of fighting. My fencing disclaimer when I joined said that the club was not responsible for any serious injury I receive. It is always good to know that you are being looked after.

During the fight though, Val managed to punch someone in the face and he promised to hurt her back. And the rest of us as well. Just because we were with her. No fair! I was there because I was forced to! … Sort of…

That night dinner was a small thing. Skulduggery actually cooked it for us. I didn't know that he could cook, apparently he can. And a very good cook he is.

The next day, I wrote about. Well you got the beginning at least.

About halfway through the night a crazy vampire came up to us and smashed the window of the room I was sleeping in. What is it with these people? I mean, come on! I don't like having glass shards in me.

Luckily for me and not so lucky for my attacker, Val and Skul heard my screams (they were still awake for some reason) and came rushing up to see me.

'What happened? They asked me.

'This evil, bad, crazy, wicked dude smashed the window and was attacking me! And now he is trying to sneak out!' I said.

Skulduggery turned around smartly and punched the guy in the face.

'Go away. I don't have time for you at the moment,' he said.

'You have time for me occasionally? _I'm touched_,' the person trapped said.

'_You're touched in the head_,' I said back. **(1)**

'How dare you be so open with me?' the person yelled at me after my comment.

'_Not many have insanity in their family_,' I said back and turned to Val. **(1) **'So, how are you today Val?'

'You asked me this morning,' she said back getting suspicious.

'Actually no. It is the next day now,' I replied with a smile.

'You are arrested just to let you know,' Skulduggery said to the person.

'I am too pretty to be put in prison!' he tried again.

'Perhaps your mother betrayed your father with warthog,' I said thoughtfully. **(1)**

Soon after Skul disappeared with the person and Val and I started to clean up. She didn't seem inclined to start a conversation so I started singing under my breath to keep me entertained. Because we all know what happens when I am not entertained.

_Early each day to the steps of Saint Paul's  
>The little old bird woman comes.<br>In her own special way to the people she calls,  
>"Come, buy my bags full of crumbs.<em>

_Come feed the little __birds__, show them you care  
>And you'll be glad if you do.<br>Their young ones are hungry,  
>Their nests are so bare;<br>All it takes is tuppence from you."_

_Feed the birds, tuppence a bag,  
>Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag.<br>"Feed the birds," that's what she cries,  
>While overhead, her birds fill the skies.<em>

_All around the cathedral the saints and apostles  
>Look down as she sells her wares.<br>Although you can't see it, you know they are smiling  
>Each time someone shows that he cares.<em>

_Though her words are simple and few,  
>Listen, listen, she's calling to you:<br>"Feed the birds, tuppence a bag,  
>Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag." <em>_**(3)**_

When we finished I looked at Val.

'What song was that?' he asked me.

'A song I know,' I replied.

She nodded and went off to her own room to sleep.

The next morning, or was it still that morning? We all woke up and Fletch appeared. He looked like he had gotten less sleep than us and stumbled in and sat in a chair.

'Sup?' I asked him. I got a simple stare back. It was just blank. I shuddered. That look was not normal on anyone apart from those really brain dead blondes. (Not to dog blondes or anything. I am one)

'Any one bothered actually cooking something?' Tanith asked as she walked in the door.

'NO!' I called out.

'I'll take you to McDonalds,' Fletch offered and we all took it.

Val paused for a second before to leave a note for Skul and whilst I laughed we were all teleported to the McDonalds.

When we got back we all wandered around to do whatever it was that we did to entertain ourselves.

Val went to talk to echo Gordon, Tanith to read and Fletch disappeared again.

'Val!' I called through the corridor.

'Yeah?' she asked back poking her head out of Gordon's study door.

'Can I hack your internet?' I asked her.

'Why?' she asked me.

'Why else?' I replied. 'Fanfiction. The best website ever invented.'

'Fine,' she said.

For the next ages I was on Fanfiction. I started going through the Fanfiction for Skulduggery Pleasant. Other than the other day where I showed that one to Ghastly and the other important people, I hadn't really gone on the Skul ones in ages.

The next thing I knew Val was going down stairs.

'What time is it?' I asked her as she went past.

'Lunch,' she replied. 'I'm going out side for a bit. I need to think something over.'

'Cool with me,' I said and went back to my reading.

I looked up again when I heard her scream.

'What the?' I muttered as I ran down the stairs. There was the crazy dude (there do seem to be a lot of them don't there), holding her by the neck in the air.

'That's not a nice way to hold someone,' I told him.

'She deserves it,' he said.

'Why?' I asked him.

'Because…' he trailed off.

'Exactly. Now put her down and we can go inside to talk,' I said.

'I would rather talk out here,' he said. Suddenly thunder went off.

'What a coincidence,' Tanith muttered.

'I don't think so. The word coincidence always seems to start religious arguments for some reason,' I replied. **(2)**

She gave me the funny farm look.

'Don't worry,' I replied.

We walked in and starting talking to the man.

'Sup?' I asked him.

'What does that mean?' he asked me back.

'What's up?' I replied.

'Ok. Then the roof. But why do you want to know that?'

'Because it changes depending on the person,' I replied with a smirk.

About five minutes later, when they ad a decent conversation going I interrupted.

'Sup?' I asked him again.

'The roof is up. I told you that already,' he said back with a deep frown.

'Sorry,' I replied back.

Another five minutes later I spoke again.

'Sup?' I asked Val.

'Go away,' she said to me.

'Nope. Sup?' I asked Tanith.

'Sky. I am fine thank you,' she said.

'A big clash of thunder happened and I jumped up and ran out of the room.

'The evil bunnies are coming to get me!' I yelled as my departing phrase.

Later that night someone else tried to kill us. Val called Skul and he said that we needed somewhere to hide, at least for the time being.

I suggested his attic.

It went down really well all things considered. We went there and while Tanith was getting food that wouldn't need cooking, I sat down to write.

That didn't last long. Just as Tanith started unpacking everything (which had a lot of sugar in it), yet another crazy dude came bursting in.

'Found them!' he called out over his shoulder to someone in another room.

'What gave this perfect hiding spot away?' Skulduggery asked him.

'All yer cars parked outside,' he said and was blasted backwards by air from Val.

We ran out and got in the Bentley. Tanith naturally had left her bike at Val's.

We has and epic car race (it was epic to me, I _was _my first one) through the streets. We ended up winning by the other car flying off a bridge into water. Cars all around us stopped to watch but we pretended that we hadn't seen what happened. What else could we do?

We arrived at Ghastly's and hid in his attic.

I have to stop now because Ghastly hates my muttering and I can't write without muttering.

Live Long and Remain Ugly,

Vintage Sketch

**(A/N)**

**I would just like to thank some people for help with this story.**

**The people for reviewing…**

**MissBliss8527**

**Jussler**

**Giana Sparrow**** x 4**

**Vanity Storm**** x 3**

**Holly Swift**

**And the people who fav/story alerted…**

**Vanity Storm**

**SkulblakaVanyali**** x 2**

**Radius Flame**

**MissBliss8527**

**Thank you to all of you! And if your name is there more than once I love you!**

**Alyss Mainwaring**

**(A/N)**

**(References)**

**1 – Song of the lioness -02- In the Hand of the Goddess (Tamora Pierce)**

**2 – Redemption of Althalus (David and Leigh Eddings)**

**3 – Feed the birds (Marry Poppins)**


	10. Attacked

**25 September 2011 – Still in Ghastly's attic**

Today we did nothing.

Quite literally.

We are still hiding in here. Well all of us apart from Ghastly and Skulduggery. They went to go and talk to Julia Gillard and Erskine. I wonder what Julia Gillard's real name is. She wouldn't have used her real one. It would have been very dangerous.

It is still raining. The thunder storm stopped but the skies are still grey. The rain is slanted at a 45 degree angle and the trees are being blown everywhere.

There is nothing to go on about. I am grasping at straws even now!

I need to leave now to read Fanfiction or something.

Vintage Sketch

_Just been attacked here. Whole place is burning. Have to run._


	11. Second Way

_Stella sat in her class and stared at the teacher. Nothing really important was happening. Some wacked plate was moving in the opposite direction to another. _

_3:00. _Only a couple more minutes until the bell rings_, she thought. _Dam. The teacher started talking again. I really should be listening to this.

_The whole room jumped up to their feet and started screaming as two of the four windows around the room broke. They were on opposite sides facing each other. Two people jumped in out of each window._

'_Stay where you are!' the first guy called. He looked oddly enough like Leonardo Dicaprio. Hot guy. He was, from now on, going to be called Hot Guy._

'_All we want to do is hurt you,' the second guy called. This one had a large nose. Julia. He was punched in the arm by a lady, this time with big earas, Tony._

'_We aren't meant to tell them that!' she told him in a rough manner. The last person looked like a trouble maker, silent and watching with clever eyes, Loki._

_The whole class, under the threat of being shot, walked out of the room and each person was made to go into a separate place. One person per room, and once they had filled up the rooms, they started putting girls into separate toilet cubicals. _

This is wacked…_ thought Stella._


	12. Burn!

**I have lost track of the dates – I don't know where I am either**

I stood outside watching as the whole place burned down to the ground. Skulduggery stood perfectly still and ghastly was on his hands and knees sobbing, but not quite.

I scribbled a line into my book and walked over to Val.

'What happened?' I asked her in shock. She just stood there with her mouth open.

Tanith came up to us and put one hand on Val's shoulder.

'We need to run girls,' she told us and walked over to talk to Skul. He jumped as if waking up and then nodded. Tanith came back to us and Skulduggery went to Ghastly. He hauled Ghastly off the ground and walked over to us.

Ever the inappropriate time, my phone started going off. It wasn't someone texting me though, it was someone ringing me. My tone was, annoyingly, I will survive.

Everyone looked at me. Dam.

'Hello?' I asked the phone.

'Hi,' someone replied. Because I had been distracted when I answered it, I didn't know who it was.

'I need help,' the person told me.

'As soon as I know who you are,' I said back.

'You didn't look at the phone?' she asked back. I did so now.

'Yeah. Where are you?' I asked her in turn.

'I'm trapped in the phone-booth at the corner of walk and don't walk.'

'That's not helpful. Where are you really?' I repeated my question.

In a place with a cool roof.'

'That helped me,' I said and jumped when I heard her start screaming.

'What's wrong?' I asked.

'There is this guy trying to kill me again!' she called into the phone as she tried to run away from him.

'Again?' I asked.

'Not now! Please, where are you?'

'Ghastly's old place.'

'Old place?'

'Long story told short, not now.'

'Burn,' she said.

'Literally,' I said back.

'What?'

'Don't worry.'

'Could we go to Val's place?' I sweetly asked Skulduggery.

'Of course we can,' Skulduggery replied just as sweetly laying the sarcasm on.

'Just because my twin is there trying to get killed,' I said, still sugar sweet.

'Wait, what?' Val asked.

'Didn't you hear me? I said my twin is in your house making us a cup of tea,' I said, sarcasm obvious.

'Why?' asked Skulduggery. My phone started ringing again. I gave one last glare and then answered it.

'Sup?' I asked the caller careful not to say her actual name.

'Well, this guy with a large nose who I have just nicknamed Julia just said that he wanted to hurt me. He was then punched in the arm by a lady who I have called Tony saying that was a lie. Are you coming to help me?' she asked all in one breath.

'Let me just ask,' I replied and held me hand over the phone. 'Is anyone going to help my poor twin who is trying really hard to get killed?'

Val looked at Skulman unsure. He nodded and we all drove off to Val's place again.

Once there the door was burst open in a cool action movie move and we all walked in like we were the heroes. Not that I would know…

We found Stella standing there with a broken vase yelling at the guy who I am guessing just got knocked unconscious.

'What happened here?' Tanith asked.

'What does it look like?' Stella replied. 'He was trying to attack me so I hit him back. Sorry about the vase, Val.'

'How do you know my name?' Val screeched! I think she might have been mad at the broken vase. I might have been the best present she ever got from Fergus. It was probably only worth about two dollars as well.

'I can read minds,' Stella said mysteriously and then started laughing hysterically. 'Not!' she shouted.

Skulduggery rolled his eyes in return and waited for her to calm down. Unfortunately for him, as soon as Stella started laughing, I started laughing with her. It took about ten minutes but eventually we both did calm down enough to have a normal conversation. Or at least normal for us.

'Flying frying pans!' I shouted and then we started to have a normal conversation.

'Why is Ghastly's place burning?' she asked me.

'Because someone is trying to attack us,' I replied. 'My turn. Why is someone attacking you **again**?'

'I seriously don't know. They just are. I was in class and then I ran out of the building to get away from then and then pop! I was here,' she said.

'Cool,' I replied.

We both fell into a brief silence until I smirked. Val was talking to Skulduggery and looking really annoyed with Stella and me.

'Someone took their demented pills today,' Stella said and I laughed. So she noticed it as well.

'Yep. Or maybe it's her time of the month,' I replied.

'PMS!' Stella called out over to Val. In return, Val turned around and gave us a confused look. We smiled sweetly and continued our conversation, ignoring her now death glares shot in our direction.

'So, how's life?' I asked Stella.

'Meh,' she replied and I nodded.

'It's more interesting here,' I said.

'Now I can believe that. Where's Fletch?'

'Australia,' I said with a shrug.

'What? He was over there and you didn't tell me?'

'Yes, but Skulduggery is so much more handsomer!' I was going to loose this, that much I could tell.

'And dead,' Stella replied with a straight face.

Yep, lost.

There was a really long pause as neither group talked. I managed to look at the roof and the broken vase before I got bored with it all.

'Well this is a good quality long, awkward pause,' I said.

'Awkward turtle!' Stella exclaimed and made the sign for it. I laughed as once again the other group stared at us. They seem to do that a lot.

Well next we all just talked. I never manage to remember the actual conversation other than Stella and I were just catching up and Val, Skul, Tanith and Ghastly were all talking about something that might have been important. Might…

Anyway, in the end it was decided (but Stella and I didn't get a choice) that we would all sleep at Val's house but one person at all times had to stay awake just in case we were going to be attacked. As soon as I heard this I volunteered to do the shift after midnight. They naturally said no and organised it in between themselves.

'When I nudge you, scream flying Bolveks, OK?' I said quickly and softly.

'Bolveks?' she asked back. I shook my head in a later sign then nudged her. We both screamed and then ran up the stairs to the hallway.

'Why don't we play a prank on Skulduggery?' I said.

'Oh no. We just have to make sure that he won't kill us,' she replied wisely.

'But it's funnier that way!' I protested.

'And more deadly,' she glared.

'True, too true. Hey why don't we…'

And I will explain what we did later.

It was that afternoon. We had decided that the ruins of Ghastly's house would still be smouldering, so we didn't do there. Skulduggery had started teaching Stella everything and I had a serious case of boredom. So I started texting her whilst she was trying to pay attention.

**I have nothing to do! **I sent to her. She ignored me however.

**Did I tell you that I punched Julia Gillard?**__Still nothing. Bad thing to do with me…

I started sending her random messages, each with its own message

**90% of people I want to murder horribly. I have to keep reminding myself about the other 10%: Gandhi, Johnny Depp, and that guy who hands out full-sized candy bars on Halloween.**

**Maniacal laughter is inappropriate and unbecoming.**

**I've always believed in the one, two, three rule: one horrific life-threatening accident is an accident; two are a coincidence; and three means you really need to consider another line of work.**

Suddenly a yell came from up the stairs (I was down stairs still).

'Can you stop?' I almost yelled in glee at the line. Skulduggery had gotten annoyed enough to yell! I had achieved the impossible in a short amount of time. But just to make sure that it wasn't a fluke…

**I'd like to see a problem that can't be solved with explosives.**

I heard a loud thud and then loud really annoyed footsteps echoing down the hall. I ran for my life outside. Just as I was reaching the forest line my phone buzzed.

**He's coming for you. You r dead! **Stella sent me. I was about to laugh before I realised that it could give away my position. What did I do?

I climbed up the nearest tree of course.

I watched as Skulduggery and then Val madly ran into the bush. I contemplated following them and was about to get out of my spot in the tree when they started running towards the clearing again. Skulduggery was ahead of Val and he was encouraging her to run faster. In her defence, she did generally look slightly scared. What ever they had met in there was not good. It was time for me to start running as well.

I dropped down from there and took off. I HATE running, have I ever told you? It sucks bad! Just as I ran out of breath and contemplated lying on the ground I heard Val scream out my name.

Then, like in all cool movies, everything went black.


	13. Offer

**I have a special one time Christmas offer for you all.**

**Anyone who reviews on Christmas day (25****th****) I will go to their page and review at least on all of their stories. Even if I don't know their categories. If I get really involved in the story then I will review every chapter.**

**A review for a review.**

**(You might get the reviews after Christmas day as I am normally really busy but if I am able to on that day…)**

**Merry Christmas to you and your kin!**

**Alyss Mainwaring**


	14. Way too tired

_Dedicated to the real life Stella, without whom I would have already lost the plot (in more ways than one)_

*'^'*

**I am writing this a couple of days after Christmas. I think we have two days left of this year – I am at Val's house which I still don't know the address of... **

When I woke up it was to the normal roof I woke up to. Or at least the one I woke up to inside Val's house. Stella was sitting next to me reading a book with her feet propped up on the end of the bed. She looked really bored.

'What on mars happened?' I asked. To her credit, she didn't even jump at my sudden question she just answered without looking up.

'You were knocked out in an epic battle,' she said and turned the page. I looked at the book and realised that she was reading my Skulduggery book.

'So I was knocked out so early in the fight. How was it epic then?' I asked.

'By the fact that you were knocked out,' she replied and turned another page.

'So kind,' I muttered back and sat up. 'So, who was the bad guy and why did they want to kill us all?'

'I seriously don't know., that is the one thing that we all are stubbed about,' she said.

'Wait, they included you in the conversation? They have never done that to me!' I cried. No fair!

'No. I listened through the door.'

'Fair enough. So, what are we going to do –' I stopped as footsteps echoed on the floor. It was only then that I looked outside the window. It was dark. 'Time?' I asked Stella.

'Late enough,' she replied as the door to the room was slowly opened.

'Good,' said the velvety Irish voice. 'You're awake. I had started to get worried there but then it was only a bump to the head,' Skulduggery announced.

'And of course you are always right,' Stella said.

'Of course I am always right. I'm me,' he replied. 'Vintage you need to get ready to see your grand mage again tomorrow to try and work out how the two of you have made it here and managed to escape detection all your lives thus far. I hope that you are not going to show Erskine another story about Val and I.'

Stella nodded and I looked at him like he had just told me that Serpine was alive.

'Yep. And I got none of what you just said. Australian please?' I said and he glared at me.

'Were going to meet Julia!' Stella said and ran out of the room happily. I sighed, got up off the bed and ran out with her.

We all ate dinner and went to bed to put it simply.

**Next Day**

I woke up and glared at the ceiling. I really didn't want to meet Julia again. The last time I had to punch her. Well I guess it had been coming.

My door was suddenly thrown open and Stella came rushing in.

'We're going to meet Julia!' she yelled a little too happy for that time in the morning.

'Big whoop,' I said and collapsed back onto the bed from where I had managed to get into a sitting up position.

'What am I going to say my name is?' she asked worried. I nearly fell of the bed in fright when she jumped up randomly and said, Vanity.

'Cool,' I muttered and decided that now was about the right time to get out of bed. 'Let's go and burn something in the oven.'

'What are we going to burn,' Vanity (Stella) asked.

'I don't know. What do you think is most likely to set the smoke alarms off the fastest,' I replied and started going through the cupboard.

'Toast,' Vanity replied casually.

'Perfect!' I replied.

Half an hour later I was staring at the toaster wondering when it was going to start burning toast. I had just put the toast in and none of the others were up yet.

Then again, it was only just hitting 7 in the morning. That's what you get when you have two teenagers who are used to waking up at 6 in the morning.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

That's how long it took for the smoke alarms to wake the others up and for them to get to the kitchen. I sat on a stool watching the toaster still and Vanity sat watching the smoke alarm.

We both looked up as swear words were traded and Tanith and Val ran to get towels to get the smoke away from the alarm.

'Maybe you should get a quieter one next time,' I complained, acting as if I had done nothing.

'It is meant to wake us up,' Val said as if she was talking to a really dumb person. But she wasn't. She was just talking to an idiot.

'Yeah and it did. But then again, maybe you should get a quieter one while I am here. I can't cook,' I said and popped the toast out of the toaster and buttered it. After putting it on a plate I offered it to Val.

'Toast?' I asked. She looked at it with her eyes open.

'I have never seen toast that burnt before!' she exclaimed.

'Then you never have seen me cook,' Tanith muttered but I didn't really pay that much attention.

'Well there you go! Today hasn't been a total waste so far,' I said with an innocent smile. Vanity coughed the word bullcrap out.

'Are you sick?' I started at her next.

'Just had something in my throat,' she contradicted and I was disappointed to see that I couldn't go any further with that.

It took another hour for breakfast to be cooked and in that time Skulman arrived.

'What is that burning smell?' were the first words that came out of his mouth.

'I made toast!' I yelled from another room and giggling my head off.

'Smells like you burnt it instead,' Skulduggery yelled back and I took a couple of deep breaths in to stop myself from laughing even more.

'I did offer it to Val afterwards. How kind was I? Offering the first toast of the morning to her!' I started cackling again.

'Yep and it was so burnt I was surprised that it hadn't drifted off in the breeze by then,' Val muttered from her position next to Skul.

'I heard that!' I yelled and walked up most of the stairs before collapsing. I didn't move until I saw someone beside me.

'What are you doing?' Ghastly asked me.

'There are too many stairs!' I complained

'You have two more to go,' he said slightly confused.

'And that is a lot for someone who is as unfit as I am!' I said pretending to be offended.

'Yeah…' Ghastly said uncertain. 'Well,' he tried to continue on, ignoring me. 'I was sent up here to tell you that we are about to leave.'

I nodded, thankful that I had gotten changed before leaving my room.

'Van! We're goin' to go and see big nose!' I yelled out up the stairs as I hauled myself up off them.

'Epic!' she called back and ran down the stairs before me, even though I had the head start.

It took another ten minutes but soon Skul, Val, Vanity and I were in the Bentley and Tanith and Ghastly were on her bike, much to the amusement of everyone other than Ghastly.

Almost imediantly, Vanity and I started to conspire.

'And then…'

'But how is that…'

'…and I have to…'

'Perfect!'

'Her face…'

'Drop dead funny!'

'More!'

I looked up when I saw Skul and Val turn in their seats to look at up.

'What are you both talking about?' Skulduggery asked in his lovely Irish accented voice.

'Wouldn't you like to know,' I replied and got out of the car. It had taken us the whole trip to decide on how Vanity was going to say hi to Julia.

We walked in, did the normal, yes I am meant to be here, hit a couple of people (in my case tripped a couple of random necromancers), and generally hated the long wait.

When we finally managed to get into the room Ghastly already looked bored and I started to wonder if I should show him another Valduggery story just to liven up his day.

As if he had read my mind Skulduggery gave me a glare.

Julia was sitting there looking as regal as ever and I noticed that instead of the black streaks that had been in her hair last time I had seen her it had changed to blonde.

'Another one?' she asked amazed.

'I think I was fate and Vanity was…' I trailed off, I didn't know if I could really say what I wanted to and anyway, I would rather say it just to Skulduggery alone at first to see what he thought of it.

'And who are you?' Julia asked Vanity, just totally ignoring me.

'I'm cool with that,' I muttered and Van gave me a glance to say that our act was starting.

'Good evening sir and or madam,' Vanity said and bowed, adding a slight sway into it. Julia just looked at her with her eyebrows slightly raised.

'I knows that ya just meet me but do ya know whats its likes meeting a greats politician likes ya?' she added and I nearly laughed my head off at that.

'No?' she said.

First stage completed.

Vanity started again.

'Did ya knows that's I laughs at man pain? What a greats and wonderful and terrible and greats and am I repeating meself? Oh wells.'

'Are you drunk?' Julia asked.

'I swear to drunk I'm not god!' Vanity shrieked.

'Sure,' muttered Erskine.

'Do you want to sleep off that before you meet me?' Julia asked. Vanity ignored her and stared at the ceiling.

'Did you know that there is a secret escape route there?' she asked no one and everyone at once, pointing to the ceiling.

'Would you like some water?' Julia tried again looking really scared.

Vanity nodded seeming to think for a moment. 'My dead body would appreciate that,' she said, creeping Julia even more.

But the best thing about that like was that Skulduggery was now staring at her like she had just told him that she was a faceless one.

'Would you mind telling us what you drank?' asked Erskine.

'I'd share my liver but not my drink,' Stella told him solemnly and suddenly spun.

It was an amazing piece of art to watch being made I must say now. She spun, making it look as if she was about to fall. But instead, she spun and hit Julia square in the nose, right where I had hit her before. I leaned forwards to catch Vanity before she actually did hit the ground.

'You both are dead!' Julia slurred through her again broken nose and Vanity shrieked and ran out the door.

'I'm as dead as I want to be,' I replied before following my twin out the door.

*'^'*

**Warning for some slight swearing.**

**I am, **_**snore**_**, sitting here, **_**snore**_**, updating for you all, **_**snore, **_**because I am a, **_**snore, **_**good, **_**snore, **_**person, **_**snore.**_

**For me it is 5:30 in the morning at the moment and I am way too early for all of this shit! **_**Snore.**_

**On Christmas Eve we sit up and watch the carols that are played on T.V.**

**Then, at ten we start to get ready.**

**At eleven we leave the house.**

**At eleven forty-five we arrive at church.**

**I then attend church from 12 to one.**

**We talk until two.**

**We went around, picked up dad from work at 2:30.**

**Got home at god knows in the morning and I am ready to open presents now.**

**Show me that you all love this story and review about your normal Christmas day. The person who has the most exciting day (or make me crack up the most) will have their Christmas known in the next chapter and they can do something about the story but I am not too sure yet…**

**Oh Well.**

**Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,**

**Alyss Mainwaring**


	15. Sorry,,,,,con of last chappie

**Continuation of the last chapter…**

Once we were both out side of the door we couldn't hold back our laughter any more.

'That went better than expected,' I said once I could breath again.

'Way better,' Vanity agreed.

'Do you want to see if we can get Skulduggery and the others to go to a movie?' I asked.

'Is there anything good there?' Van asked back.

'Puss in boots,' I replied with a shrug.

'Are they seriously going to go and watch that?' she asked me.

'Nope, but I think we can all go and watch Tin Tin if we both put our minds together,' I replied and we walked back inside.

Julia Gillard was yelling about how she wasn't going to stand for anymore teenagers walking in, talking to her like she was a complete idiot and hitting her. Naturally Van looked at her with one of her eyebrows raised and I had something to say.

'Have a minty,' I offered politely.

'See what I mean?' she yelled. Erskine was trying unsuccessfully to calm her down and Skulman would have been rolling his eyes if he had the option.

'None of it makes sense!' Julia cried while looking at us. Van was now inspecting her nails and had completely missed the whole thing, or at least most of it.

'I don't like the colour,' she said with a thoughtful face.

'It's not really you,' I replied and snuck a look at Julia's face. She was going to blow a gasket anytime soon.

'What is it about me that you don't like?' she asked yelling – ish.

'Your hair,' Van said and I smirked.

'Your hair just makes everyone hungry. It's a good thing,' Now more than ever she was going to kill me. I gave a charming little smile and was lead out of the room by Skulduggery's hand on my shoulder.

'Do you have to?' he asked me. 'This situation is dangerous enough without you and Vanity stirring things up.'

'It's the only thing I know how to do successfully,' I replied with a straight face. 'And I have never liked her.'

Skulduggery sighed.

'Can we go and see a movie?' I asked him.

'I will ask Tanith to take you both while I try and get things here in some sort of order. We still have the problem of the attackers on our hands you know,' he said sounding annoyed.

'I know. But with us seeing the movie we would be out of your hair for a little while,' I said. I hoped that he would fall for the old tricks. Play on what they really wanted and/or cared about and you were bound to get what you wanted.

'Fine.'

The two of us walked back inside and everyone watched us warily. They were trying to find out why Skul looked annoyed (if possible) and I looked happy. I walked over to Van and stood next to her like the good little rule follower I was. The poor girl was still stuck on her nails.

'I am really starting to hate this colour. Of all the colours to be stuck when I get transported to Ireland. Seriously,' she complained.

'It's a hard knock life for us,' I replied with a smirk.

'This is insulting,' Julia said. I continued the rest of the quote for her.

'Don't they know how dangerous I am? I am very, very dangerous. I'm a killer. I'm a trained killing _machine. _And still they send _you. _A _child,' _I finished and hid because of the glare that she gave me.

'I'll kill you,' she said evilly. 'I'll even kill you for free.' I laughed gleefully at the quote she had some how managed to get.

'How big was your house?' Vanity suddenly asked.

'Why?' Julia asked back, her mind taken off me for the moment.

'Don't know, don't care, hope not, so there,' Vanity replied and looked up again.

'What the hell?' she whispered.

'I don't seriously know,' I replied to her question. She turned her eyes to me in full glare.

'You can't have slaughter without laughter!' I told her.

Suddenly time moved slower than Alice's fall down the rabbit hole. The windows on either side shattered into millions of pieces and men jumped in.

'Hot Guy! Julia! Tony! Loki! What are you guys doing here?' Vanity said, acting as if they were good friends.

'How do you know them?' I asked Van. She shrugged.

'They invaded my school.' I nodded. We went to different schools, something to do with our parents wanting us to have different friends or something.

'Now Julia,' Van said starting again, this time talking to the real Julia Gillard. 'I'd like to negotiate with you the best possible way for the world to appreciate you as the real Julia! We wouldn't want anything but.'

Julia went crazy. She started beating the beep out of our attackers. About two seconds (alright, I do exagurate a lot) after, they were all out cold on the ground. I walked over tot hem, pretended to study them closely to try and find a clue or something and nodded.

'What did you find?' asked Erskine.

'They are Homo sapiens,' I said in a very serious voice and walked over to Julia (the awake, crazy one). Skulduggery rolled his eyes.

'Who are you?' she screamed. 'Give me a right answer!'

'I shall clasp my hands together and bow to the four corners of the world.

'My surname is Lu and my personal name is Yu, but I am not to be confused with the eminent author of _The Classic of Tea. _My family is quite undistinguished, and since I am the tenth of my father's sons and rather strong, I am usually referred to as Number Ten Ox. My father died when I was eight. A year later my mother followed him to the yellow springs beneath the earth, and since then I have lived with Uncle Nung and Auntie Hua in the village of Ku-fu in the valley of Cho. We take great pride in our landmarks. Until recently we also took pride in two gentlemen who were such perfect specimens that people used to come for miles just to stare at them, so perhaps I should begin a description of my village with a couple of classics,' I said. **[1]**

Ghastly's mouth hung open.

'You should really close that, you might catch a fly,' Vanity said

It snapped shut.

'We need to figure out who these attackers are and what they want from us,' Val said trying to make sense of the situation that I had somehow placed us in.

'To China!' Vanity and I yelled at the same time and started walking deeper into the sanctuary.

'Where are you going?' asked Skulman.

'To China,' I replied in a nuh duh tone.

'She is outside,' Tanith said.

'Dam, I thought someone had finally done the right thing and placed the woman in gaol!' I said and dragged Vanity outside.

'And believe me, I'll kill them for free!' came Julia's voice. I laughed at the quote.

'Dam, we did good. We're already on someone's hit list. At this young age as well!' Vanity said and lent on the Bentley to wait. I opened my mouth to say something but she beat me too it.

'Dumb, I know, but you have already had your chance to annoy Skulduggery and now is my turn,' she said in a manner that could only be described as glee. I winced. She was dead.

Oh well.

When Skulduggery finally did come out and see Vanity leaning on the car his face turned fifty shades of purple, not that it was possible and he walked over and pulled her away from the car.

'Get away from the car!' he practically growled.

'I was only waiting for you,' Van said innocently. I once again rolled my eyes. She really did have a death wish.

'He had been in a foul mood for a month,' I said, trying to distract Skulduggery from comitting a murder. I simply could not afford to have that on my hands at the moment. All that paper work! 'For days he did nothing but lie on his pallet and drink himself into obliviation, and when he was sober, he pinned up sketches of government officals and riddled the wall od the shack with throwing knives.' **[2]**

I was stared at once again.

'What?' I asked.

'Right, Tanith, you take your bike home and Ghastly to Val's place and I will take the rest to Val's place. I will drop Val off and go to your house. Then I will take you and the twins to the cinema and you have to watch whatever movie they want,' said Skulduggery.

'Fun,' Tanith said sarcastically.

'I know,' I said acting as if I hadn't realised that it was sarcastic.

'Can I get a beach ball first?' asked Vanity.

'Oh no,' muttered Tanith while Val was looking happy at not getting stuck with us and going on a case.

Skulduggery, grugingly, took us all to get a beach ball and then to the movies.

'What are we watching?' Tanith asked.

'Tin Tin!' Van and I said. So while Tanith went to buy tickets, (I refused to) Van and I went to sit on a table.

'Girls, do you want popcorn?' she asked a little later.

'Yep,' we replied at the same time. After Tanith had left though Vanity looked at me.

'Why do you want popcorn? Oh,' she said and I just grinned evilly.

'We have an hour till the movie. What do you want to do?' Tanith asked us. 'I'll get the popcorn later.

'Back in a min,' I said and walked over to the counter.

'Can I please have one ticket to Monty Python and the Holy Grail?' I asked the man there who looked as smart as the dumbest pea there was ever.

'What is that?' he asked me while I face palmed.

'Nothing. But can I ask about your return policy on popcorn?'

'What is wrong with it?' he said and looked around confused.

'It saw your face,' I replied and ran off happily.

'What did you just do?' Tanith asked me once I was back a the table we had been sitting at.

'I just asked him what his return policy on popcorn was,' said I with a shrug.

'Crazy,' Tanith muttered.

'Always,' I said. 'Are we going to blow the beach ball up?'

'Now?' asked Tanith.

'Before we go in,' said Vanity.

'Oh Jesus,' Tanith said.

'I'm sorry. I hadn't realised that I had interrupted your morning prayers. We'll leave after,' I replied with a smirk. **[3]**

It took us a rough three quarters of an hour to blow the beach ball up. We didn't have a pump so we had gone around to all the other people and ask them if they had one. Naturally they looked at us like we had all tried to jump off a cliff, but oh well.

In the end we managed to get Tanith blowing it up like you would a balloon and us standing there laughing.

It was blown up and we all went to line up for the movie. Just as we walked past another door though, they were playing the Lion King. I poked my head inside and yelled out the ending to them. I think that they don't like me now…

We walked in when the doors opened and sat down somewhere in the middle. I made sure that I wasn't sitting in the middle and I put the popcorn on the floor next to me.

There were about ten minutes of boring conversation between Van and Tan :) and then I started to hear the foot steps.

'I'M SO VERY SORRY! YOU'RE TOO LATE!' I yelled and heard the people outside stop I confusion. Tanith stared at me but I just ignored her.

**I have had this for days (weeks) And I am not bothered at the moment to continue as I felt that another story of mine that I have neglected needs to be payed some attention. I am going to be, hopefully updating that one every day. If you want to read it:**

.net/s/5788848/1/bLost_b_bfrom_b_the_bFound_b

**[1] I know this off by heart. Bridge of Birds – Barry ****Hughart****Hugart (my favourite book)**

**[2] The Story of the Stone - Barry Hughart **

**[3] The person who can tell me where this is from wins… (I know, but do you…)**

**I am writing this before I have written the whole chapter but hey, I am not bothered and it is so hot at the moment!**

**ColonelWalrus won I have to say. I nearly died laughing when I read that the dog and cat had gone to Christmas lunch before 9:30. I don't know why, I just did. (I tried to search you up but apparently you don't exist…)**

**Aly**


	16. Not bothered to name it

Halfway throughout the movie, I ended up using the seat next to me to fling popcorn at the poor guy behind me.

Which resulted in us being through out of the place...

After the movie, which seemed to go on forever, I can tell you that,we came out and Tanith called Skulman.

'Yes?' Skulman asked her.

'Movies over,' she said, more like growled.

'Already? Its only been about half an hour,' he replied back.

'Yeah, the two idiots decided that the end of the movie wasn't interesting and got us kicked out,' she growled and in the background I could hear Val laughing in the background.

Vanity and I laughed our heads off.

Twenty minutes later, Skulman, Ghastly and Val, arrived. Skulduggery looked slightly annoyed and the other two looked like they were just managing to hold grins in.

'So what's this about you all being thrown out of the cinema?' Val asked and Tanith groaned.

'Flying drop bears!' I yelled and dragged Vanity around the corner. We then hid inside a huge box that happened to be there for us.

We were only waiting there for about four minutes when we were attacked.

This time though it wasn't any person who had attacked us beforehand and we were able to give them new names!

Whilst Skulduggery, Tanith, Ghastly and Val were doing a brilliant job of holding the others back, me and Vanity held a name making game.

'The one in the red, I think he should be called Vodka,' I said.

'Why?' Van asked.

'I don't know, it just seems to suit him better than some of the others I came up with..' I replied.

'I hate to think of what they could be...' she said back.

'Your no fun!' I complained. What use was it coming up with all those names when I wasn't even allowed to use them!

'I think that guy should be named pinky,' Van said after we sat in thought for a little while.

I nodded in agreement, when the guy was unconscious, he did seem a bit pink. It was worrying actually.

We ended up finishing the list of names just as all of the people were unconscious.  
>Our list...<p>

Vodka

Pinky

Dopy

Harry (Potter)

George (because we could seriously...)

Bob

After the interesting things had finished, I started reading the first Skulduggery Pleasant book, just because I could.

I vaguely remember being dragged to Skulman's Bentley by Van and I just read the whole way to Gordon's place.

They pushed me in the house and went away to go and talk about the case. I was ok with that all...

By the time I looked up again, I was still alone in the room. Well I thought I was until I saw Vanity on the floor playing something on her ipod touch.

'What are you doing?' I asked.

'Read the fourth book,' she replied. I nodded and went back to reading myself. This time on the floor next to her.

Eventually though, we yawned and I think we ate something and then went to sleep.


	17. To make up for the wait

**New Year - Australia**

The new year finally came! I was seriously starting to doubt that I wasn't going to be killed in the mean time. Although I think Skulduggery is going to try and kill me in a few minutes.

In the short time that has happened since I last wrote in here, something great has occurred.

We found out what Vanity's magic is...

She's a teleporter. Just like Fletcher.

This is great news because now we can just teleport to anywhere in Australia and we wont have to catch a plane there and then a train.

The bad news is that because she has only just figured out her power, she doesn't know as many places as Fletcher does.

But first I think I owe you all an explanation. The way that we found out what her power was. We were sitting at a cafe (you know those random ones you see, just in the middle of nowhere? It was one on of those) when suddenly Van disappeared. I swore and jumped up out of my seat.

I looked over to Val and saw her mouth open, Skulman however, was just as cool as always. Shaking my head I turned around to see the road.

My mouth dropped open again.

'How the hell did she get there?' I asked Skulduggery. He just tilted his head as he does.

'I think we have another Teleporter on our hands,' was his simple reply.

Vanity came back into the cafe and looked at us. 'How the hell did I just do that?' she asked me.

'Why are you asking me?' I replied and sat down again.

'I wonder...' Vanity said before disappearing once more. I just shrugged. It didn't take me that long to get used to it.

I quickly demolished the other half of the muffin that I was eating but jumped half a mile into the air as Van came back.

'Have a Koala,' she said and gave me a small Koala that was made to hang of jackets. I grinned and put it in my hair.

'Like the look?' I asked her with a grin.

'Stunning,' she replied.

'Scary,' Val muttered under her breath.

Suddenly I noticed lots of bruises on Van.

'What happened?' I asked her, slightly worried.

'I hit a tree,' she said with a grin. I smirked back. We both knew that she just quoted The Faceless ones.

'Well, I'm sure it had it coming,' I said back, saying the next line from the book.

'That's enough of that!' Skulduggery said, ridding us of the chance to continue quoting the dialogue from The Faceless Ones.

'What now?' Val asked groaning.

'Whilst you all were playing around, I managed to find out who was the person who is trying to kill us at the moment,' Skulduggery said, his voice seeming extra velvety today.

'Spiffing,' Vanity said in response.

'How are we getting there?' I asked back. Well it seemed like it was my turn we were going around the circle. First it was Skulduggery, then it was Val, then it was - oh... we didn't go around a circle! Val broke the circle. I was standing next to Van, who was standing next to Skulman, who was standing next to Val.

He He Ha Ha. Val, Van and Vin off to take the world by storm.

Anyway, back to the very odd tale of my life at the moment...

'We teleport!' Van said rather enthusiastically.

'Where is it?' Val asked Skulduggery. She seems to be ignoring us - almost as though if she heard us one more time she would rip our heads off our necks and then eat them.

That's not nice...

Anyway, (I am getting rather distracted today aren't I?) Skulduggery considered her for a moment before answering. I wonder why he had to think about it.

Was he afraid?

'We're going to Australia,' he said as though he just sign his death wish (again).

'Tonight is new year,' Val said.

'No shit sherlock,' I replied and she still ignored me. Although it seemed as though she wanted to kill me even more than before.

'Are we going to be staying for the Sydney fireworks?' she continued.

'I've heard that they are the best in the world,' Skulman continued. 'Might as well. We will be back in time for the Dublin ones.'

I grinned excitedly. Looks like I was going to break the family tradition of watching the fireworks on T.V.. We were going to watch them live.

'I don't know the city well enough to go there,' Van said thinking.

'Who cares, go to **(insert place in sydney here - I'm not going to list one for safety reasons - Stella, if you read this, I was imagining where your school is, the shops near there)** and we will train it in,' I replied.

'That's an idea,' Skulduggery said.

'Money,' mentioned Val.

'I think I have enough...' I replied and dug through my bag. 'And you can repay with the currency of here! What is the Irish currency?'

Val looked at me and shook her head in disappointment. 'I should have remained ignoring you,' she said.

'So kind,' I replied under my breath.

'Let's go,' Skulduggery said.

We all placed our hand on Van's arms and disappeared...


	18. I am yawning

... To the Irish Sanctuary.

'What are we doing here?' Skulduggery asked, genuinely confused.

'I thought that you should tell Ghastly where we are going,' Van replied.

'Finally something smart comes out of her mouth!' Val muttered darkly.

'Don't worry,' I replied with a smirk. 'She's the smart one.' Val turned to me and "killed" me in death glares. My smirk changed to a full out grin when I got that reaction.

'Who is this person?' Val asked Skulduggery as we all walked through the halls, causing quite the commotion. Skulduggery ignored them and proceeded tell Val about him and Van and I just waved at the people staring.

I love that word. Staring. It's like star-ing but not...

'So he's scary?' Van asked.

'Yes, very much so,' Skulduggery replied and didn't notice Van's smile.

'Book 1,' she told me in answer to my confusion.

'I would have gotten there eventually,' I replied.

'Sure,' she said sarcastically and started walking again from where we had stopped.

After thinking about it for a while I ran to catch up.

It took ages but finally Ghastly agreed to us going to Oz, much to Tanith's annoyance.

'I want to go,' she told Ghastly. He groaned and banged his head on his desk.

'But I have paperwork to do,' he argued and Tanith just gave him "that" look. 'Let's all go to Australia for a tiny holiday!' he said.

We ended up in Oz not that much longer after and we did end up training it into the city.

I don't remember much from the train ride (they bore me in general) but I do remember when we had just gotten on the train.

Skulduggery had looked around before choosing the most secluded seat (not that it was very secluded) and then frowned. 'Its not very clean, is it?' he said.

'Never is,' Van and I told him and then I fell asleep against the window.

Once I had woken up again, I saw that the air was carrying the awkward silence. I decided to solve that in the normal way I do.

'Hey Van!' I said to her. She was sitting across from me

'Yes?' she replied, looking bored.

'You know that one day my sister, the back stabbing (I wont write what I said next as it wasn't very nice) wrote "I love Josh" across her knuckles.'

'Who was Josh?' she asked sleepily in reply.

'The one who phoned her every night and would talk for longer than we would,' I explained.

'Really?' she asked siting up more.

'Yep, and when I saw it and asked her what it said she denied it 60 million times before telling me that it did say that she loves Josh.'

'Wow, I never would have taken her for someone starting so young.'

'I knew she would that back stabbing (I still wont write what I said here).'

The conversation ended and I went back to sleep until we got into the city.

'Where to now Mr Inspector Me?' I asked Skulduggery.

'I still want to know how you know about that questioning,' he said to me.

'That's a pity, because you aren't going to find out,' I replied back. He just tapped to activate his facade instead of replying.

We tried walking around the city, with not a great deal of success because it seemed like all of NSW were trying to get into position to watch the fireworks. We found a Woolies and bought supplies for later (SUGAR!) and then somehow, don't ask how because I don't know, but somehow we managed to get into a position that enabled us to view the whole Harbor Bridge.

'I thought we were going to find the criminal,' Val said. 'Not that I'm complaining of course.'

'There's always tomorrow,' Skulduggery replied.

'Besides, I don't want to try and get back through that crowd again, losing our spot whilst we are at it,' Ghastly said with shudder.

'And these are meant to be the best fireworks in the world!' Tanith added and I silently agreed. I have seen clips over my short span of life of other countries fireworks and I have decided that Australia's were the best.

What seemed like ages later the count down started and we were watching what had to be the best firework show on Earth.

**( m. youtube #/ watch?desktop_ uri=%2Fwatch %3Fv%3DGr8CMNuy8DA& v=Gr8CMNuy8DA&gl =AU Take out the spaces and this is what I meant)**

'I have to admit, that was pretty spectacular,' Val said.

'Of course it was, it was Australian,' Van and I said at the same time.

We quickly went back to Dublin and found a position to watch those fireworks. They are epic but I personally love the Australian ones the best.

Naturally.

Once we had done that, we were running high on sugar and other assorted confectionary, and we decided that we could go and celebrate the new year with the sanctuary. As we went towards there, Ghastly kept trying to convince us to go celebrate somewhere else but we decided to ignore him.

So we did.

We walked in and ran into Erskine.

'Sup mate!' I said to him and giggled. Van started laughing with me and soon we were lying on the floor, laughing our heads off about nothing in particular.

'Is there anything that you really want, because I was about to close up,' Erskine said to Skulduggery and Ghastly, as he found that they were the only people not infected with giggling syndrome.

'Nope, just saying happy new year,' Skulduggery replied to his friend. Erskine said it back and then we were shoved out of the Sanctuary as it was locked up.

Van was really silent in the car and it was starting to worry me. I had already tried to imitate the English and Irish accents (I failed) and she still didn't notice. We were halfway home before I poked her.

'You alright?' I asked her.

She nodded in reply.

'Yeah right,' I said.

'I have been trying to come up with a catch phrase,' she explained.

'And?' I asked.

'Fame, Fortune, Fletcher!' she replied with a nod and I laughed.

'A brilliant catch phrase, if only we knew where he is,' I replied.

Eventually (it seemed like forever) we arrived at Val's place, Ghastly and Tanith got a room and the rest of us went to our own separate rooms and went to sleep.

Aside from Skulduggery, but we wont go there.

The next day (today) I woke up and shot out of bed. Today was going to be the day thta we were returning to Australia, again.

But this time we were planning on trying to find the guy who was trying to kill us.

At the moment I am sitting in yet another Australian train. Skulduggery, Ghastly and Tanith had brought money to exchange into bucks and we have tracked the person into the Blue Mountains.

This should be fun.

* * *

><p><strong>Do you know how hard it is to write your own best friend's reactions to things? Really hard. I am really worried that I get her personality wrong...<strong>

**I am really, annoyed, to use a nice word at my sister, if you can't tell. She wont shut up. She calls me fat when I know I am not and she tells me that I should start running. She has made it into state for running and I don't have that running build needed. I have seriously considered killing her occasionally.**

**Also, to all those sport fencers out there, I need a common household objet to use as a target. I am starting to prepare for nationals for the first time which are approaching fast and my orange tree is not liking me. :)**

**(Yeah... I broke a branch off and stabbed an orange straight through)**

**Talk to you all soon!**  
><strong>Aly<strong>


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